Secret smile

1

He took a deep breath and stared into the half full suitcase, trying to remind himself not to run his fingers through his hair again. He had a plane to catch soon and not enough time left to style it back into whatever resembled normal right now. Except somehow running his fingers through his hair was the only thing that made it easier not to concentrate on the clothes he was packing.

His clothes had been packed for over a week now, at least the ones he would need until he got there. Until he got to his brother's house and found the boxes he had sent ahead two weeks earlier. No, he wasn't packing his clothes. His clothes would be easy to pack, but instead, his eyes filled with a wetness he couldn't deny as he folded her favorite college t-shirt. She had loved this shirt. It still smelled like her. He knew it was impossible. It had been over a year since she had worn it and her soft flowery smell had long faded, but when he thought about it hard enough, he could still smell her. He had always loved the way she smelled, he had never let her change it. And now he was entirely grateful for the clear memories the smell brought back. The night they had first slept together came back in overwhelming waves, the way she had giggled the morning after and rolled over to grab her t-shirt, because her room mates definitely wouldn't want to see her naked. He had grabbed her by the waist at that moment, pulling her onto the bed and making love to her again, the shirt a ball on the floor as he fell harder and harder for her.

He couldn't believe how much he still missed her. Or he could, he could believe her missed her this much, he just couldn't believe he had to. He had loved her for so long, he had fully planned on being with her forever and now he was alone. He was alone. It had been a year and the word still echoed in his head. He was alone and moving somewhere else, alone.

It wasn't right, none of this was right. She was supposed to be here next to him, laughing and making jokes as her wild waves brushed against his cheek bone. His daughter's happy laughter was supposed to be filling the house, of course, he'd even be grateful for her stubborn tantrums. But now the house was quiet, empty, and missing his two girls still hurt as much today as it had a year earlier.

He couldn't cry, not right now. He had cried enough over the last year. He would cry some more some later time but right now he had to be ready to get on that plane so he could start over. That's what his mom had called it. It was what his therapist had called it. Mark had called it something about missing him too much to know what to do with himself or something. No one seemed to understand that he didn't want to start over. Starting over was the last thing he wanted or needed to do. He didn't need to start over because he had his entire life right here. His daughter's room was still decorated with Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, his wife's clothes still hung carefully in the closet, and her shampoo and conditioner still waited for her in the shower.

This here was the life he had always planned on. He loved his brother and living with him would be...okay, it would be living with Mark Sloan but he did not want to be living with his brother. This was his life. The house that they had found together and giggled about and then made love in every room together on the night when they first moved in. This was his home. Their home. Her home. She had been so picky about the paint and the furniture and everything else. This was her home and he couldn't just leave it to the people who were going to move in. They didn't have a four year old little girl who wanted to be a princess more than anything. The wife didn't have incredible eyes that made his heart skip a beat. This wasn't their home and he couldn't just leave. He had no idea what he was supposed to do in Seattle. Mark and Richard Webber had worked together and found him a spot being the head of neurosurgery at the hospital Richard ran and Mark worked in. He'd be able to cut. He'd be able to be a boss. Mark was there. Sophie and her family were there. He'd have that. But besides that, he had no idea what Seatttle was supposed to be.