Secret smile

23

Derek couldn't remember a time in his life where he had looked at his feet as much as he did recently. Even right now as he made his way down the crowded street, he was staring at his feet. Which was probably stupid because he might bump into someone and then he'd be forced to talk and he didn't really feel like talking right now. Mark was at work. Meredith was with her friends. And his brain wouldn't shut up.

He refused to call today a bad day. It wasn't a bad day, it was just...a day. He hadn't had a panic attack, there hadn't been a nightmare last night, but still...his brain wouldn't shut up. It was almost Christmas, the entire street was decorated for Christmas and instead of being excited, he was just walking, letting his brain run and spin around in circles. Sarah had wanted a dollhouse, Amy hadn't asked for anything.

And now it was going to be his second Christmas alone. Or actually his first Christmas all alone as the year before he had tried to celebrate with his family, which had just led to a day full of trying not to cry and so many panic attacks he had lost count. So this year he was staying here and he had no idea what Mark and Sophie were doing but he was going to be actually alone. On Christmas. That was wrong. Christmas was...Christmas. He couldn't be alone on Christmas. But he was going to be, he was going to be alone on Chrsitmas while Mark and Sophie did something. Sophie had finally admitted she was pregnant and she was overly emotional right now, so he was guessing he'd be forced over to her house. But he wasn't sure he wanted that. He didn't know what he wanted.

He had loved Christmas. He had loved it his entire life and when he had become a father, it had taken on a completely new, unexpected magical spin. And by this time, they were supposed to have two children to jump on their bed Christmas morning, waking them up far too early to see what Santa had brought. That was the life he was supposed to be living, not this mess.

Last year, he had stayed awake for hours, waiting for Sarah to come running in, screaming that Santa had eaten all the cookies and even the carrot sticks while Amy laughed next to him. But she had never come, she had never jumped on the bed, Santa didn't come for his daughter, and he was alone. And now, as he passed by the stores decorated for Christmas, he fought the urge to buy Sarah something. She would probably want the new Barbie that he had heard the two little girls talking about in Meredith's office the other day. Or possible a new stuffed toy or something. She would want something. She was his little princess and she deserved something. A year before his mom had managed to talk him out of it, but a year before his Mom had been the one to wake him up Christmas morning, and then had held him when he cried. He didn't want to do that this year. He didn't want to make Christmas hard for Mark or Sophie. Mark was happy. He was actually happy with Meredith's sister, and Sophie was pregnant. He didn't want to ruin the holidays for them, which he would do if they tried to drag him anywhere. He could buy Sarah something, just a teddy bear or a Barbie or something. No one would know, and then he would sleep all day on Christmas

Dr. Wyatt would probably frown at him when he told her, if he told her, but that was okay. She had been smiling at him a lot recently. He was apparently making some really great progress and she seemed pleased that he was slowly thinking of moving out and the fact he had actually made a close friend here, so if he took one tiny step back, he could withstand her frowning.

A part of him had considered hanging out with Meredith on Christmas, but he couldn't ask her. She had friends, and she had a family. She had something about going to go see her mom Christmas so she was probably going to be out of town. So bed all day while he ignored the fact that he was alone sounded like a good idea. It sounded like the best way to handle another Christmas alone. And right now he would just slip into the toy store, buy something small and hide it from Mark. He wasn't sure what he would do with it after that, but at least he would have it. That would be something. He turned toward the store but was cut off by a giggle. It wasn't just a giggle, it was one he had grown quickly accustomed to and he looked up to see Meredith's familiar blonde hair.