Secret smile

36

She had told him about a million times that working was a stupid idea today. She had told him. And he had shrugged and told her he could do it and then he had hugged her and she was pretty sure the hug and the smell of Derek had confused her or something because she had given in. She had decided that maybe he could work. It could be good. Except it wasn't. The last thing he should have done today was go save lives. Especially since sometimes, people died. They died and it was bad and then Derek apparently freaked out or something. She had been finishing a strep throat strep on her six year old patient when her cell phone had rang and Lexie's panicky voice had come over the end. Derek was gone. Webber had sent him home and Mark couldn't reach his brother.

Which is why it was probably good that she worked with her best friends little sister. Sophie had promised to grab any other patients she had that couldn't reschedule so she could leave and go find Derek. Because no one was quite sure exactly where he was or what he was doing and it was scary, it was really scary. She just hoped that he was in bed, hiding or something.

Derek's life was a mess today. She had known it was coming. She had known today was coming and Sophie had warned her about it this morning but she actually thought that maybe Derek had found a way to fight the depression, the panic attacks, the nightmares. But now her best friend wasn't answering his phone and she couldn't stand the thought of him in a bar somewhere drunk while he cried over his dead daughter, who would have been six today.

She just needed to get to him, wherever he was. She could help. Which was insane because she had no idea what he could possibly be feeling today. And she definitely wasn't sure exactly what to say that could make the day his daughter was supposed to turn six any better but she would be there. She could be his anchor and her being there was better than her being alone. Neither of them were ever supposed to be alone when their days were going horribly. And today was...she just had to get to the trailer and make sure he was okay. She wouldn't tell him she told him so, not today. That would be ridiculous, completely ridiculous. And stupid. Derek was her best friend, she wasn't going to tell him she had been right. Not when everything was falling apart again.

He had been doing really well, like really really well. He still got nightmares most nights but he swore they weren't as intense as they used to be. He just turned on the light and breathed and talked himself out of it. And then he would read instead of going to back to bed which mean he definitely wasn't sleeping enough but it was better than how he used to handle them. The panic attacks were disappearing too. Not fast enough, but not as often. He was starting to get better, and she wanted to believe today wouldn't completely and totally knock him back to where he had been before the trailer. The trailer had completely changed him, made him happier somehow, and now she was just hoping it was holding him together, keeping him from falling completely apart. And if not, she would figure it out, she had to. He had managed to be a really good friend recently. He was always asking about how she was doing. And if she said she was fine, he pushed until he got a real answer and then he would listen. So she could listen. If he felt like talking. And if he didn't want to talk, she could just lay in bed with him or something. She'd be there.

The gravel cracked and snapped underneath her tires as she pulled up to the trailer, wincing at the dark trailer. The shades were all drawn, and there wasn't any evidence of anyone being inside. Except that Derek's car was sitting outside. She moved out of her own car and moved to the door, knocking on it carefully. "Derek?"

"Come in," he called from inside, sounding quiet, his voice shakey.

"Hi," she breathed as she walked into the dark trailer, taking her jacket off carefully. She could hear laughter coming from the TV, and could see Derek curled under his blanket, Sarah's teddy bear in his arms.