Secret smile

56

There had been a plan. When Derek had woken up this morning, he had come up with a plan that would lead up to telling Meredith he was in love with her. He hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, but he knew this was the right thing to do. So he had had a plan. Walk on his land, a picnic, and then he would tell her. But it was pouring rain out, actually coming down in sheets, and his plans were shot. Instead he had had to invite her inside. Which had led to a really quick Plan B being planned. Plan B had involved making her supper and telling her while they were sitting on his bed together eating. It didn't sound nearly as good but he figured it would do. Except Meredith had gotten into a fight with Izzie and she had spent all of supper rambling about that and not even kissing him had really cheered her up. So now he was trying to come up with Plan C. But, his head was on her lap and the soothing feeling of her fingers through his dark curls was actually more relaxing than anything he could think of. His eyes were half closed and he couldn't follow through with anything except that this felt good. Being with her felt really good. And he loved her. He needed to tell her that he loved her now.

They were watching a movie. He had no idea what it was, Meredith had picked it out while he had been doing the dishes and it was a gross out comedy and all wrong for telling Meredith he loved her. But his head was on her lap and he felt more comfortable than he had since he had come to the sudden realization and he really needed to just come out and say it, rip the band aid off. But that hurt. Ripping the band aid off hurt and he wasn't ready for it. Saying it out loud, to her, actually felt like something too big, something he wasn't ready for. He had spent a good portion of his night looking at pictures of his old family, his old life before Meredith. He had been happy, he had looked happy, he just wasn't sure why he was suddenly feeling so much happier now. He had loved Amy. There was no question of it in his mind, he had loved Amy. He still loved her and he didn't regret a moment of their lives together. If he could take the last however many years of his life back, he wouldn't. He would never let go of any of it. But the idea of being with Meredith, of actually being with her, made him feel happier than he could remember being.

And then there was his baby girl. He didn't think this would change anything he had ever had with Sarah. She was still his baby girl, still his little princess, and he was sure she would like Meredith. If she had survived the accident...he wasn't sure what to think. This was big, and he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to offer Meredith anything she wanted or might want. He wasn't sure what he could give her. But he loved her. He knew that. He had no idea what else he would ever be able to offer her but he did love her and that was something, it was something pretty big. He loved her. He had no idea what to do with that besides say it. And he had no idea if he was even ready for everything that he knew came after saying it but he loved her. He had nothing to give her but that. Derek just hoped that would be enough for the girl who had given him so much. He had kept repeating to himself that she didn't want the things most girls wanted, that she didn't even believe in love, but he was pretty sure that was all a lie. The girl who had loved him even when he had been a mess, through everything, even supposedly right now as she ran her fingers through his hair lazily, that girl would want things.

He just had to tell her. Meredith understood him. She always had. Sometimes when he was confused about things, she understood him better than he understood himself. He could tell her everything and she would probably have this amazing answer that made everything make complete sense. He could just tell her. She loved him too, or so people said and that made it okay. Her tiny giggle filled the trailer, mixed with the sound of the rain and the thunder and he closed his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. He could do this. He could tell her he loved her, and try not to be terrified. Amy would want him to do this, Sarah would love Meredith. He just had to tell her. He had to tell her that he loved her, that he wasn't sure what the hell he was doing right now. "Mer?" he breathed, trying to keep his heart rate down.