Secret smile

15

The fish didn't seem to be swimming as much. They seemed to be staying in one place in the clear water, one of them hiding behind the grass or bush or whatever it was that was in there with them. She was staring at fish. Fish. She had called into work today, and everyone seemed to understand. Jackson was dead. Jackson was dead and she had handled it by having sex with her married or not married or whatever anchor. And now she wasn't talking to him. Or she might be, she wasn't sure. She hadn't seen him on her way up so she technically hadn't not talked to him. Except she had taken the stairs instead of taking the elevator and she had definitely avoided the surgical floor completely instead of going to see if her friends were around and she had really, really not wanted to see Derek, which was new. She always wanted to see Derek. She did. She liked seeing him and it usually it made her feel better. But not today. Today, she just wanted to avoid him and try to forget everything. She wanted to forget how he had cried. She wanted to forget that she had cried in the shower. And she really wanted to forget that she had felt safe in his arms, really, really safe and warm in his arms. She needed to forget that.

Because she couldn't have that anymore. Or she could because he liked her as a friend and her head was still swirling. Meredith Grey had made numerous sexual mistakes in her life, so many that she probably had lost count ages ago but she was pretty sure that last night had been the biggest sex mistake that she ever had made. Because now she wasn't sure what to do about Derek. She liked him. She really, really liked him. She actually wanted something with him. Or had wanted something before he told her it was a mistake. They were a mistake. It had all been one big mistake. "Meredith," Dr. Wyatt sighed from her chair.

"I'm here," Meredith breathed.

"You've been here for twenty minutes."

"I...I have?"

"You have," Dr. Wyatt nodded. "Twenty minutes and you haven't said a word."

"Sorry," Meredith sighed. "My head...my head is all full."

"I can tell."

"I just..." Meredith breathed, blinking as she felt more tears build. She was not going to cry again. "I like a boy."

"You like a boy."

"I do," Meredith laughed softly, wiping at her cheeks. "I like a boy. And he's really really great. He's this...he's smart and he's funny and he's really nice but a lot of people don't see it because he's...I'm not going to talk about that. But I like him and he makes me feel safe. He makes me feel warm and safe and I like him."

"And that's new for you."

"It is," Meredith nodded. "I like him a lot. He's just...he's him. I don't even...he's him. He's caring and fun and...strong, he's so strong. I don't think he knows how strong he is."

"It's a step for you," Dr. Wyatt nodded. "You usually fight these feelings."

"I didn't...he makes me feel safe."

"Have you let him know that?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because...I'm me. And...I'm me, Dr. Wyatt and you know what I did. I did what I always do."

"You ran?"

"No," Meredith laughed harshly. "Tequila."

"You slept with him."

"I slept with him."

"And then what did you do?"

"And then..." Meredith breathed, looking down at her watch as she fidgeted with it. "I fell asleep in his arms."