Secret smile

3

It was a mistake. Everyone had been wrong. He wasn't supposed to be in Seattle. He wasn't supposed to be in this hospital. He didn't feel right in his dark blue scrubs and lab coat that was still to stiff. This wasn't the person he was supposed to be. And he couldn't be the person he was supposed to be because that person wasn't even in the building. Everything was a mistake.

He should have just stayed in New York. He should have stayed there and sold his practice and spent the rest of his life fishing. But instead, he had thought it would be a good idea to move out here with Mark and try to be the head of neurosurgery. All of this was wrong, and he didn't know what to do about it. He didn't know how to fix the biggest mistake he had made in years, he just knew he missed home. He missed Sarah. And he desperately missed Amy. He couldn't have them back, he couldn't go back to them. He couldn't even go back home. He had always felt so good in a hospital, so in control and capable, and he had nearly hoped that once he got here, he'd feel like himself again. But this wasn't that. This wasn't home. This felt like some wierd strange world that wasn't his own anymore. He didn't even feel like he was here.

His head felt like it was floating, like it was cut off from his head. He really felt like he was watching himself go through everything today. He had felt this way for the past three days, since the day he had landed here in Seattle. He enjoyed living with Mark. It was like the week when Mark had lived with he and Amy, and Amy had constantly complained about how crazy they were. He was pretty sure he had forgotten about how much he missed his brother. After everything he had been through over the past year he had forgotten what it was like just with him and Mark, what it was like to just hang out with his big brother. They had been best friends since they were five years old, and somehow being around Mark was the only thing helping right now. But despite the fact he was enjoying being around Mark again, none of this felt like his life anymore. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt like him, he couldn't remember the last time he had looked around him and saw his life. The life he had built years earlier. But now he really couldn't do this. He couldn't be at this hospital, people staring as he tried to walk down the hallway.

He had no idea what they knew. Richard knew what had brought him here, and Mark knew but he had no idea what anyone else knew and judging from the looks they knew something. They were all staring at him like they were expecting him to fall apart. He had no idea why but everyone was staring at him like he had a sign that said he had just lost his wife and child. The nurses were all smiling at him sadly, their eyes moving over him before meeting his eyes, filled with pity. He couldn't stand this. After Amy and Sarah had died, all of his coworkers had stared at him, all of them had offered their apologies in the saddest voices he could muster. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this all over again. This was supposed to be a new start, not one that left him shaky.

"Mark..." Derek breathed, recognizing his brother's head down the hallway. Mark was leaning against the wall, clearly flirting with a dark-haired girl in light blue scrubs, which apparently meant she was either an intern or a resident. He and Mark had made the rule a long time ago never to interrupt each other while they were trying to get girls, but Derek couldn't do this. He couldn't keep walking these hallways, his head light and more than slightly breathless.

"Mark," Derek repeated a little louder and firmer as he moved toward them.

"Hey, Shep," Mark grinned widely.

"He...Hey," Derek nodded, eyeing the brunette.

"You're Dr. Shepherd, right?" the brunette smiled widely. "The new head of neuro?"

"Yeah," Derek sighed.

"It's so great to meet you. I've heard...I mean, you're one of the best and that's...amazing. It's amazing that you're here."