Secret smile

51

Derek usually loved when his best friend rambled. It tended to make him laugh, and it was almost too easy these days to actually understand her. Originally, he hadn't been sure he would ever understand her, but now he mostly did. Understanding led to enjoying the rambles. Except for right now. He wasn't enjoying Meredith's ramble about what he had to know about her father, how to survive tonight. He got why she was rambling. Meredith rambled when she was freaking out about something, and he figured bringing him home, whatever it was they were to each other right not, was reason enough to be freaking out but rambling never actually helped Meredith. It just gave her brain more than ample opportunity to wander into different places that it didn't have to be.

"Everyone says we're exactly alike," she groaned, her hand gripping his with vice-like strength. "But we're not. He's...he's a mess. He's a mess and he stammers and he's just...I mean, he stammers when Susan makes him stammer because it's not like he ever wants to actually talk to me. He looks at me and sees my mom and...I'm nothing like him, Derek. I would never...if I ever have kids, which I probably won't but if I do, I'll never leave them."

"I know you wouldn't," he nodded firmly.

"But I probably won't ever have them because...why would I have kids? Why? I mean, it's not like I'd be a good mom since I'm cursed with like...the worst parents ever. Except Thatcher is a good dad. He's a good dad to Lex and Molly because they're...better or something. They're better than me and I wasn't worth it so he's...anyway, he's like...two different people and I'm nothing like either of those people."

"Okay," he nodded and then smiled slightly. "You'd be a great mother."

"No, I wouldn't. I definitely wouldn't be a great mom. Why would I even have kids, Derek? Having kids would be...that's not the point. Kids is not the point of this conversation is not about me having kids because it's not like I'll ever have them anyway. You...I don't have anybody to have kids with and...Thatcher would be the worst grandfather ever. Except he isn't. He's actually funny."

"He's funny?" Derek asked, deciding to keep away from the very complicated conversation of children for the time being.

"With Laura. And Molly. And Lexie. Definitely not with me. He...not funny."

"Well...it's probably pretty awkward for both of you," Derek said carefully.

"Well, if it's so awkward, he could just tell Susan to uninvite me. That's all he has to do because I don't...I love Lexie and Molly and Laura...they're...they're amazing and they're a great fake family but I don't have to go anymore. I don't even like going so...you don't have to be nice or anything, Derek. I don't know what Mark has said but...you don't have to be nice. You don't have to be all...Dereky."

"Dereky?" he laughed softly.

"You know...you. Charming and funny and with the look and...you don't have to be that guy."

"Okay," he nodded slowly, and then smirked. "But I am charming and funny."

"Derek," she groaned, rolling her eyes.

"I am," he laughed.

"That's the point."

"What's the point?" he asked, grabbing for her hand.

"You're funny and charming and amazing and...you're going to act like that and they're going to think...they don't have to be in my life, Derek. They don't...they'll ask questions."

"Mer, it's okay if they ask questions," he sighed

"About us?"

"Well..." he breathed. "You're my best friend."