Secret smile

25

Christmas specials. There was a Christmas special on every single channel. He just wanted to sit, clear his head after a long day at work and watch television and everything was a Christmas special. There wasn't anything wrong with them, not really. If Mark was home or Meredith was over, he might even consider watching one. But he was alone and he really didn't want to think about the next day quite yet.

If he looked around Mark's apartment, he wouldn't know it was Christmas. There wasn't a Christmas tree, there wasn't the obvious smell of Christmas cookies coming from the house, and no one was running around talking about Christmas mass. The house was devoid of any reminder it was Christmas Eve, except it was. It was so clearly Christmas Eve, and if he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine his daughter's voice asking how many hours until Santa. He was trying not to think of it. He had been thinking of it too much over the last week and Dr. Wyatt had told him it was completely normal, that anyone in his position would be especially sad right now and that he should let himself just feel the sadness. But not including the year right after he lost his dad, he had always loved Christmas more than any other day of the year. Now he didn't.

He hated this damn holiday more than any holiday. It had been his favorite, Amy's favorite, and Sarah's favorite, now it was just some damn empty day that made the pain multiply by a thousand. He couldn't do this, he couldn't go through this every year, but here he was, sitting alone at Mark's apartment while Mark went out with Lexie. He was alone, and he couldn't decide if he wanted to be.

He could call Meredith. When she had left late the night before she had told him she didn't have anything to do today. And he could stop by Sophie's, she had been too busy to get home for Christmas so she was around and while her house would be full of Christmas his baby sister always managed to make him feel better. So he had places he could go, people he could see. But seeing those people meant the looks of pity, meant the quiet questions of how he was doing. The phone had already rang three times today, which he could only imagine was Mom calling to see how he was doing. He could already imagine what the house in New York was like; it was full of kids and smells and laughter. But she wasn't expecting him to laugh this year, she was expecting him to be in bed crying. Which had been okay last year but it had been another year and now he was supposed to be doing better. He had moved to Seattle to do better and he couldn't do the same thing he had done the year before, he had to do something better. And while he was not ready to face the world, he figured that at least sitting and pouting at the tv was a step above crying in his bed.

Pouting in general seemed better than crying. He was exhausted, but he couldn't sleep. Every time he slept, he had a nightmare, and they had only gotten worse in the past few days, especially after a little boy had come in with a stuffed dog after falling off his bike. Derek had been in the ER when the boy had come in, and after examining him for a concussion, he realized he couldn't do this. Life was supposed to be getting easier and it wasn't. He was in a different city, in a different place and he was supposed to be starting over but he still didn't know what it was he was supposed to be doing now with his life. He worked. He worked, he lived with Mark and he watched movies with Meredith. It was...not what he ha wanted in life and he couldn't keep doing this.

But he wasn't sure where to go from here. He wasn't sure what direction to take or where he was supposed to go. He had given up on the whole house hunting; houses felt too big and condos felt...something. Meredith joked he was just too picky, but he wasn't sure how the hell to explain to her that houses were...empty. Houses were meant for families, and he didn't have one anymore. He had nothing.

He jumped slightly as the door bell rang and then contemplated ignoring it. It was probably just Mark being too lazy to get his keys out. Or Christmas carolers, which he had found a little frightening even when he had loved Christmas so he wasn't in the mood. He didn't want to move all that much. And then the door bell rang again. "Coming," he yelled.