Why Not Me (why can't it be me?) [Vini & Dalilah]

Kabanata 15

“What are we going to do now, Doc?” Mumeee asked.

“We need to proceed with the surgery immediately, Mrs. St. Pierre. Delaying this type of pregnancy poses risks to your daughter’s health, so immediate action is imperative,” the doctor responded decisively.

I was left staring into space when the doctor took my parents outside to talk. Once they were gone, I gently placed a hand over my stomach, tears streaming down my face as I silently cried, hurting so much from it all.

I could not believe how my life had quickly and dramatically shifted. Again, I was just eighteen. In a short span of time, I had already experienced the worst life could throw at me. From unplanned pregnancy to miscarriage, I wondered what else was in store for me? Nagmahal lang naman ako, pero bakit ang lala noong kapalit? But maybe, I deserve this, considering I had not been the best daughter to my parents.

I lost track of time while staring at the white ceiling of the room I was until my parents returned, telling me that I needed to prepare myself—mind and body—for the surgery that was scheduled tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

That immediately.

“Dal,” Mumeee called, her voice gentle as she handed me a grainy ultrasound picture. “Here!”

With trembling hands, I reached out for it, my fingertips brushing the smooth surface of the image. Tears blurred my vision as I struggled to see the sight before me clearly.

“We’ve requested them to identify the gender of the baby. And did you know, hmm? He is a boy, Dal,” Mumeee whispered, her words carrying a mix of joy and sorrow that seemed to echo the chaos within me.

Scalding tears flowed endlessly down my cheeks, unchecked and unrestrained, as I held onto that tiny piece of paper that held a glimpse of a future that would never be happening anymore.

Boy.

I was having a baby boy.

Lumakas ang iyak ko habang sapo sa dibdib ‘yong picture. Mas lumala naman ‘yong hagulgol ko noong hilahin ako ni Mumeee sa isang mahigpit na yakap.

“I’m sorry this happened to you, Dal. Kasalanan namin ito ng Daddy mo. We had been too busy with the company problems, we forgot to check on you,” she said as she tightened her embrace to me.

Marahas na umiling-iling ako dahil wala naman silang kasalanan dito, lalong wala silang pagkukulang sa akin. This was happening because of my own wrongdoings. If there was to be blamed, it should be me. Kung nasasaktan man ako, deserve ko ito.

Umiyak ako nang umiyak sa mga bisig niya, siya na nakiiyak na rin sa akin, at naging ganoon lang kaming dalawa sa mga sumunod na sandali. Meanwhile, Dee-dee uttered a sharp curse under his breath before leaving and slamming the door shut.

I spent the remaining hours of the day mourning to the baby I was about to lose. I wanted to think that it was for the better, for my well-being, and for his as well. That losing him meant to happen because I was not ready to become a mother. And maybe it was better that way rather than him growing up without a father, him being rejected by his own flesh and blood. At isa pa ay ito naman talaga ‘yong desisyon at gusto ko, ‘yong mawala siya sa buhay ko.