Why Not Me (why can't it be me?) [Vini & Dalilah]

Kabanata 11

I knew I had to shut him out, yet against my better judgment, I ended up inviting him in instead, and offering my couch for him to sit on.

“Ah, I’ll just make you something warm to drink,” sabi ko at saka madaling tumungo sa kitchen para igawa siya ng tsaa, hoping it would help his drunkenness. Because whenever Dee-dee was drunk, Mumeee would prepare him green tea since he was not a fan of coffee, which Vini also preferred.

Anyway, I could not recall a time that he got drunk like this before, so this version of him was entirely new to me. Kaya naman sobrang nag-aalala ako sa kaniya kahit pa alam kong mas dapat na ipinagtatabuyan ko siya.

I looked for my teapot and placed it on the stove with our favorite brand of tea. While waiting for it to boil, I wondered how did he know I was here? Bukod sa pamilya ko at kay Ellis ay wala ng iba pa ‘yong nakaaalam na naririto ako.

Kumulo ‘yong tubig at umapaw na nag-alis sa akin sa mga iniisip ko. Kumuha ako ng tasa at saka isinalin ‘yong tsaa. Squeezing a lemon and putting a small amount of honey, I put it on a tray and brought it to him.

“Here! Have a tea, Vini,” sabi ko sabay abot noong tasa sa kaniya.

Umupo ako sa couch ilang agwat ang layo sa kaniya. Then, I watched as he took a sip, my heart breaking at the sight of him looking so heartbroken. Kung ako na lang sana ‘yong minahal niya ay hindi sana siya masasaktan nang ganito. Hindi ko siya kailanman paiiyakin—Funny, Dalilah!

I released a deep sigh, wanting to slap my own cheeks for my being so stupid. Allowing him entry to my personal space was such a wrong decision. How low of me to accept him knowing he was hurting for someone, and I was allowing myself to be his fallback option again. But my heart could not afford to send him away in this vulnerable condition.

“Totoo ba ‘yong sinabi mo? Nasa Hawaii si Kisses? Ano naman ang gagawin niya roon? Bakit parang biglaan naman yata?” sunud-sunod na tanong ko, totoong nag-aalala sa kaniya.

Vini did not answer, and sensing it was a sore topic to him, I chose not to press any further.

“Would you like some more?” tanong ko na lang matapos niyang maubos ‘yong isang tasa noong tsaa, siya na mukhang hindi na gaanong lasing.

“Can I stay here for the night?” he asked instead.

His request caught me off guard, prompting a weighted pause. The old Dalilah would have readily and happily agreed, but I was no longer that girl. And besides, that was going to be so wrong.

“You should go home, Vini,” sabi ko. “My parents will not like me letting a guy sleep here. You understand naman, ‘di ba? They agreed to let me be independent because they trust me, and I won’t betray that trust.”

“I need your company. I feel like losing my mind,” sabi niya na nagpalungkot at mas nagpababa naman sa damdamin ko. Kasi ano? Kapag sa lungkot ay ako ‘yong gusto niya? Ganoon lang ba talaga ako para sa kaniya? Hingahan kapag kapag nasasakal na siya? Tapunan ng sama ng loob at problema?