Why Not Me (why can't it be me?) [Vini & Dalilah]

Kabanata 12

Vini’s behavior shifted dramatically since that night. He started becoming more clingy and affectionate towards me, behaving as if he was my boyfriend, although I was still not certain about our now relationship status following what happened between us.

I remembered, as I rode home in a taxi the next morning, leaving him still soundly asleep in his bed, and because Djordi was surely looking for me, I could not shake off the guilt weighing in my chest for letting my parents down. Despite their consistent reminders and full trust on me, I still failed and betrayed them.

Speaking of my parents, they returned home that same day, three days earlier from their supposed come back, and just hours after me going home from Vini’s condo. Mabuti na lang talaga at nakauwi agad ako dahil kung hindi ay malalagot ako kapag hindi nila ako nadatnan sa bahay. But on the other hand, they both seemed preoccupied with our company facing a major financial crisis, keeping them extremely busy and leaving less time for me and Djordi. At sa sobrang lala siguro ng problema ng kumpanya ay ni hindi na nila kami na-kumusta pa at natanong man lang ng mga nangyari noong umalis sila. Which, on the other hand, I was thankful of because I did not know how to answer them if ever. I did not know what to do and how to explain myself. Most especially, I did not want to add to their problems.

I was well aware that what I had done was foolish. I had just turned eighteen months ago, for heaven’s sake! But on one hand, because of that, I finally got the one thing I desired most in life—Vini’s affection.

I wanted to place blame on him, but I knew I was the one who provoked him. I remembered the countless times he asked if I truly wanted it to happen and all his attempts to hold back and pull away from me, but I was so persistent in that moment to have him, unwilling to stop. Overwhelmed by the pain he caused me, at the same time consumed by love and longing for him, I found myself not thinking clearly, throwing caution in the wind. Siguro nga ay ganoon ako kasabik sa atensyon niya at kahibang sa pag-ibig ko sa kaniya na maging ‘yong mga paalala ng mga magulang ko ay nakalimutan ko na.

I could not bring myself to look at Dee-dee and Mumeee while we were having dinner that night they arrived because of the guilt I felt for what I did to them. Besides that, I was afraid of the possible things they would do if they found out about it, especially Dee-dee. He would surely look for Vini and harm him without hesitation, or perhaps even worse, and I did not want that to happen.

Losing it was uncomfortable until now, but nothing painful I could not handle. The details were blurry in my memory. All I could remember was how Vini was gentle to me, kissing me to ease the pain away, and murmuring words I was too drank to understand. It felt forbidden, so remotely wrong, but I liked it, something I did not want to regret. Dahil una pa lang ay sa kaniya na talaga nakalaan ‘yon.

Dalilah, hindi ka lang bobo sa pag-aaral kundi aa mga desisyon mo sa buhay!

Linggo ng gabi habang nakahiga sa kama ay nakatulala ako roon sa naging palitan namin ng text ni Vini. He had been incessantly texting me since yesterday, a behavior completely out of character for him. Siya kasi ‘yong tipo na hindi naman pala-text.