Why Not Me (why can't it be me?) [Vini & Dalilah]

Kabanata 1

My hands were shaking while typing Dee-dee a text message telling him that I changed my mind and wanted to be fetch.

    Dee-dee: I thought Vini is going to send you home?

    Dee-dee: Doll, is there a problem?

Kagat-kagat ko nang mariin ang aking pang-ibabang labi habang nagta-type ng isasagot sa kaniya, pigil-pigil lang ang sarili na huwag maiyak. Because once I did, I wouldn’t stop crying and that was going to be a total embarrassment. Kapag umiyak pa naman ako ay ngawa talaga. Tulad nga ng sabi ng Uncle Carlitos ko, para daw akong isang kinakatay na baka. Baka sabihin pa ng mga naririto sa library na umiiyak ako dahil lang sa isang problem solving na hindi ko masagutan. Well, hindi ko naman talaga masagutan.

    Ako: There is something important he needs to do, Daddy.

    Ako: Can you fetch me, please?

Sininghot ko ‘yong mga luha at isinara na ‘yong workbook na sinasagutan ko. I tried to smile it off but I could not. I tried to stop overthinking, too, but there was no help. I was beginning to think that everything was changing between us now. Nakakatakot. Kami ‘yong laging magkasama, e, pero sa isang iglap lang noong dumating si Kisses ay parang hangin na agad ako sa paningin niya.

    Dee-dee: You sure?

    Dee-dee: And doll, what’s that something important you were saying that he needed to do, huh? Walang dapat na ibang mas mahalaga kaysa sa baby ko. That kid! Manang-mana sa tatay niya!

Natawa ako sa reply ni Daddy hanggang sa unti-unting napawi ‘yong ngiti sa aking labi.

Because there was more important for Vini than me and it was Kisses and it was a painful reality. Parating siya. Na pagdating sa kaniya ay pangalawa lang ako sa buhay niya, o baka nga malayo pa sa listahan niya.

    Ako: Dee-dee, ang OA mo po!
   
    Ako: Nothing to worry about.
   
    Ako: Just fetch me, please?
   
Ilang sandali lang ay nakatanggap na agad ako ng reply mula sa kaniya.

    Dee-dee: Daddy is on the way, doll.

I put my phone down the table after that reply. Tapos ay isinubsob ko ang aking mukha sa isinarang workbook at saka tahimik na umiyak.

It hurt to be disappointed. It hurt to fantasize something but it was not happening. I had been waiting for this moment—little, alone time with Vini in the library after our classes were over. The whole summer, I was envisioning about this thing. I was so excited. It was all I was looking forward to. Nangako siya na araw-araw ay sabay kaming gagawa ng homework namin dito o kaya kapag hindi namin natapos ay itutuloy namin sa bahay. Ang sakit mangarap tapos ay hindi naman pala matutupad.

Isang maliit na komosyon ang umagaw sa aking atensyon. When I looked up and around the library, I saw the students looking at the direction of the door. Nagtatakang nilingon ko ang tinitingnan nila at napangisi na lang.