A Sound from the Moon

One

I shiver as I walk through these hospital walls one last time. Doctors recognize me. They give me warm nods and I return their gestures with small bows and smiles. If only they knew I am actually trembling with fear inside.

But I shove it deep down when I enter my mother's room. She's quietly reading a book I gave to her at the start of this chemo session. She knows I've arrived and looks up with a weak smile.

"Hello, honey. How's my star doing?"

I clear my throat and sit by her side. She tries to take my cheek but her weak arm doesn't let her reach out. So I gently lay my head on her chest and close my eyes at the feeling of her fingers gently running through my hair. I love it when she does this. It might be the last time I have her do this to me.

"Nervous?" she softly says.

I hesitate telling her the truth. She was so happy when she heard I got hired as a SM trainee. It was the first time her eyes were bright when I told her I was going to Seoul. I now regret auditioning. What was I thinking?

She senses my doubt and lets out a soft sigh. "I'll be okay."

I lift up my head and let the walls protecting my true feelings fall. "No, mom. I shouldn't have auditioned. Gosh! I didn't even think I would get chosen!"

My mother does a soft chuckle. "You are talented. Why don't you believe it? I've known all along."

I stand up from her bed and begin to pace. "No no. What if I back out now? The flight isn't until tomorrow. I can call them now and tell them I reject the offer!"

Her brows furrow as she firmly says, "Don't you dare do that. I'll get up from this bed and find the strength to pull your ear. Do you know how many people wish for this kind of opportunity and you want to give up already?"

I catch my breath at her words. I want this opportunity more than anything. But I want to be with her even more. I would never forgive myself if something happened and I can't be there to hold her...

I let my eyes fall as tears slowly make their way down my cheeks. My mother quietly watches me with a soft expression before saying, "I'm going to be okay. You don't have to worry about me, sweetie."

"What if something happens and I can't be there? What if..."

I can't even imagine the horrifying thought of losing her. I haven't even graduated high school yet and I could lose my mother any minute.

I look back at her dim eyes. They carry pride and sadness. Yet, she pushes past her pain and gives me a warm smile. "You must go," she gently says. "Someday...the world will see what I saw when I first held you. You were meant to reach spotlights and skies. Don't you ever doubt yourself. Do you hear me? Don't ever let anyone stop you from being great. Even me."

I sniffle as I sit back by her side. I take her cold hand. I miss its warm feeling but it is still her hand. So I give it a soft kiss and whisper, "I am because of you."

These words make my mother's eyes water. But before she lets those tears out, she quickly says, "You are all packed, right? Your flight is early tomorrow and I don't want to know you're running late."

"Yes, mom. I have everything ready. But promise me you'll answer the phone whenever I call you. I will call you everyday."

My mother does a gentle chuckle. "You can try, but the time differences are great. Morning time here is night time over there."

I shake my head. "If I have to be up late to call you, I will."

"Honey. You will be exhausted from school and training. How about I call you whenever I am awake at night?"

"But we can talk in the morning, too. You know I like sleeping late anyways."

My mother lets her expression soften and she gives me a nod. "Okay. It's a plan. Make sure you double check everything, okay?"

I nod and we stay silent. We give each other one last look. A long stare where I see my mother's proud smile and sweet eyes. They carry so much pain from the past seven years. She's tired. She's always tired. I'm afraid that if I leave...she will no longer try anymore. She will let exhaustion take her hand and lead her to the heavens.

My lips begin to quiver at this thought and I look down. "I don't want to leave you, mama..."

This time, my mother has the strength to reach out and give me a determined look. I haven't seen this look in a long time. It was the look she gave me when we first found out about her stomach cancer.

"I am so proud of you," she gently says. "I will always be with you. We will still be together. We are under the same sky. We have the same roof. When you look up at the sky, I will be there."

I wipe my tears away and feel her strength in her hold. She still has faith. She has not given up yet.

So I won't either.

I give her a long hug. I can feel her kisses on my temple as she says her last goodbyes. I let my mind take with me the feeling of her kisses and her touch. I close my eyes at night and see her determined expression.

She believes in me. I still believe in her. I sing to the skies begging for it to close its gates on her. I don't know what I'll do if she decides to let go.