A Sound from the Moon

Forty Five

I can't believe she's gone. I seem to wait for her to call. I even look into the appointments I have saved on my calendar for her. She will no longer be nervous of the needles. She is in peace now.

If only I could be in peace.

I find myself crying in the middle of my sleep. Joy always gets out of bed and comes to mine to snuggle with me. It always helps me find peace again among my sleep. Irene takes care of my appetite. My stomach has been upset since my mother's death so I've just been able to swallow down light soups.

The boss came to visit one day. He explained to me when the funeral will be held for my mother. I only gave him quiet nods as the members asked the questions I had in mind. When he left, I sobbed for the hundredth time and the members, as always, were there to comfort me.

The week before the funeral, I walked into the living room where Wendy was writing in her lyric book and Joy was on her phone. Seulgi quietly drew whatever she saw outside while Irene came into the living room with a cup of tea. She was the first to see me come out and did her gentle smile.

"Yerimie. I'm happy to see you out of your room. Are you hungry? Do you want some tea?" Some of the members looked up with their warm smiles filled with sympathy for my grief.

I couldn't help but let my sensitive heart make me say, "We'll always be together, right? You won't leave me, too?"

"What do you mean, Yeri?" Seulgi sadly said. "You know we would never leave you."

"It's just that..." I sniffled and found strength to say, "I've lost everyone. My father left. My mother no longer fought for me. She left me, too. I don't want to be alone. I have no one else but Red Velvet. I don't want to lose Red Velvet, too."

I began to cry and Irene quickly put her mug down to wrap comforting arms around me. Each member got up to give me their hug. Seulgi gave my temple a kiss and softly said in my ear, "We would never leave you. No matter what happens to Red Velvet, we will always be together."

They're right. Red Velvet isn't about the music. It's about us. About friendship and companionship. It's about holding each other up when one is too weak to stand. It's about believing in each other even if the world turns it's back on us.

They've shown me that I'm not alone even if my heart feels like it. I remind myself of it when Chan came one day. I didn't speak to anyone but the members when I came back to Seoul. I'm assuming Wendy asked Chan to come. There was a point that I fell in depression and I didn't even want to leave my room. I found comfort with crying and I would fall asleep crying. So the members asked for backup.

Chan arrived with those tender eyes and it broke the walls that my heart had put up. I ran into his arms and sobbed. He kissed the top of my head and softly said, "I'm so sorry, baby..."

"She's gone, Chan. She's really gone..."

Wendy was not there at the moment because she was recording another song on her own, but Seulgi and Joy were there. Seulgi gave me a sweet blink and suggested I should go out on a walk. It was New Year's Eve that night so we looked up at the sky for fireworks. I intertwined my fingers with Chan's and the world felt normal for once.

I looked at the group chat and saw that Irene had come back from grocery shopping, but she and Joy will stay inside. I'm assuming because of the loud explosion sounds from fireworks. She's not fond of those kinds of sounds and Joy has PTSD from fireworks. The rest of the members were with their families and my heart fell. I would be calling my mother. I told her I would be by her side on New Year's Eve...

But instead I was by Chan's side. We stood by a tree filled with snow and looked at the fireworks together. I sighed and sniffled as I fought back tears. Chan wrapped a warm arm around me and said, "If you ever need anything, Yeri, I am always here for you. Don't ever doubt that."