the doctor will never forget rose. not really. and though he may not speak of her, or let himself be as sad as he once was, he remembers her. even hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of years later.
the doctor will move on, not because...
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"course you did a lot more than look!" the doctor cried as he and his companions enjoyed a nice picnic. "big silvery thing in the sky, you couldn't resist!"
they had no idea why they were really here, but he did.
he just wanted to enjoy himself one last time before he faced his death.
"quite right." it slipped out before he could even stop himself. the others didn't notice.
why would they? they had no reason to suspect that phrase meant anything at all to him. but he knew.
"i-" rose stuttered from how hard she was crying. she took a deep breath, adjusted her hair and tried again. "i love you."
he knew he wanted to respond. he wanted to tell her the same thing, knowing this was the last time he could ever see her.
"quite right too." she smiled sadly at his face. "and i suppose, if it's my last chance to say it."
he couldn't control his hearts. he was breathing heavy, and he wanted to say it, to tell her he loved her too.
but he couldn't.
"rose tyler-" because just like that, she was gone.
the interaction that never left his mind. no matter how hard he tried to forget, no matter how much he wanted to never think of her again, he couldn't stop thinking of her.
he couldn't forget her.
because rose tyler would always have a piece of him, and rose tyler was gone forever.
all he had of her were the memories. - "i'm sorry." he looked at river who stood there staring at him in horror.
the doctor noticed amy trying to rush towards him to save him, and rory holding her back.
they were there. they'd always show up for him.
but the doctor hadn't experienced a regeneration without rose yet.
and only now did he realize how much he needed her.
as he began to officially regenerate, the doctor wasn't thinking of river.
he wasn't thinking of amy's tears, or rory's respect for his wishes, something he'd be forever grateful for.
'i'm so sorry rose. you were absolutely, fantastic. no, magnificent.' he almost smiled at the use of a different word.
fantastic didn't fit him, not this version of him.
'i'm sorry.'
and with that, the doctor began regenerating, for the first, and last time, in a long while, without his rose. - "so what's going on here?" the doctor leapt at the question.
his hearts started racing at the notion that other people thought something was going on with him and river.
"nothing she's just a friend." he tried so hard to convince everyone.
he knew what people thought about the two of them.
he also knew what was coming in his timeline with him and river, to an extent.
"i think he's talking about the possible alien incursion." rory whispered. the doctor blushed.
he felt so stupid. why had he felt the need to justify a simple conversation with someone he barely knew to a person he didn't even know yet?
although he asked himself that question he already knew the answer.
rose.
he couldn't let anyone think that he was ready to let go of rose.
of course, no one else knew rose. how could they, he was a different man back then. but he knew that accepting his future with river might mean letting go of rose, and the doctor hated that.
it felt like he was betraying her if he did.
no matter how much he wanted her to be, river song would never be rose tyler.
and in that moment, he felt both his hearts shatter.
