An unexpected love || Ant x Stephen

Panic Attacks - Chapter Sixteen

Ant and Stephen have been together for 6 months now, and even though both men love each other with their whole hearts, there's one thing that Stephen is scared to talk to ant about...his anxiety, and even though Ant has seen and dealt with a few of Stephen's panic attacks, they've never properly talked about it. One main reason the younger man is scared to bring it up is because he doesn't want Ant to worry about him too much. 

This has been playing on Stephen's mind for a couple of weeks now, since he panicked so much he ended up fainting, and even though he hasn't had a panic attack since then, he has been worrying about talking about it, he doesn't want Ant to think that he's 'weak' or 'over-reacting' about this stuff, because he has been told that him having anxiety means he is 'weak' and has been told to 'man up' and he doesn't need to hear it again, especially from the man he loves. 

It got to the point where he wasn't sleeping because he was thinking about it. how he should bring up the subject, should he slide it into a conversation or just have or full on conversation? He didn't know what to do. 

One night Ant was staying up Stephen's, they went to bed around 10:30pm, they brushed their teeth, washed up, all that and then went to bed. Ant had fallen asleep pretty fast, he passed out by about 11ish, Stephen on the other hand, well he was still awake at 3:45am. 

At one point in the night, when he couldn't sleep he decided to go down stairs, he just tried to distract himself by doing literally anything. He read a book, he watched the tv, with the volume low to make sure he didn't wake Ant up, he even changed out of his Pyjamas and went for a short run around where he lives, by the time he got home it was 5 in the morning. when he got back home, he took his jacket off, hung it up and took off his trainers. 

He went into the kitchen and got a glass of orange juice and sat on the sofa. With no TV on, he just sat there in the quiet, when he heard the familiar Geordie accent from behind him. "Stephen?" The younger man turned around faster than he ever has when he heard Ant speaking behind him, when he did turn around he saw a worried and confused expression on Ant's face. "Ant!" he replied when the older man walked closer to him "what are you doing up its almost half 5 in the morning?" he asked when Stephen turned back around to face the TV. "Stephen?" Ant asked again worried. "are you okay? Whats wrong?" Stephen didn't know how to reply, he didn't know whether to tell ant what was actually wrong or just tell him 'I'm fine' again, that usually works, even if it's a lie, and Stephen hated lying to Ant, he didn't want to but he didn't want Ant to worry about him for no reason and most importantly he didn't want to scare Ant off. 

Stephen took a deep breath and said "I'm fine...go back to bed" Ant didn't believe him one bit "no." was all the other man replied with, he wasn't going to leave him alone when he knew something was bothering him. "what?" Stephen asked confused "how much sleep have you had tonight" Ant asked trying to make a point. Stephen just paused for a moment, not making eye contact with Ant, and when he finally looked up to the older man he just sighed "none" he said reluctantly as Ant nodded his head and said "exactly." Stephen stayed seated, he looked back at the TV, which was still turned off, as Ant walked around and sat next to Stephen and grabbed his hand which was laying on his knee. 

"talk to me...please?" he asked in a worried and begging tone, Ant has started to learn Stephens tell signs for when somethings wrong, given they spend all their time together now. He's started to realise recently that they younger man isn't sleeping as well as he usually does, but he was waiting for him to bring it up. He can't wait anymore now though, he's just worrying more about what was going on with Stephen and they weren't leaving this sofa until he told Ant what was wrong. 

Stephen took a deep breath in and turned to look at Ant. "i'm probably overthinking this whole situation..." he started "but?" Ant asked still worried "i can't help but think we haven't really talked about" Ant looked at Stephen with more of a confused expression rather than worried now "what?" Stephen took a deep breath and said "my anxiety..." he pointed out bluntly. 

"what do you mean?" Ant asked confused whilst Stephen stared at the wall, he dropped his head and shook it "Stephen?" Ant asked trying to get Stephen to face him, and when he didn't after a moment Ant placed his hand under Stephen's chin and lifted his face so that he was looking into the younger mans eyes. "i...i've started to feel more...anxious again. I've been feeling the way i used to when i was 13, when i started to realise i was gay and when i was trying to figure out how to come out to people." he paused and let out a sigh as Ant took hold of his hand "i think its getting worse again. I'm starting to feel my panic attacks happening more often again...and i know that i haven't had one for a couple of weeks but, i don't know this whole situation is making me feel anxious again." as he finished Ant looked at him even more confused than before but this time with more worry in his face. "situation?" He asked almost straight away.

"these last couple of months..." he started, as he said it Ant moved away. "you mean us? our relationship is making you anxious?" Ant asked scared, and hoping he just took it the wrong way and once Stephen realised what he said and what it sounded like he instantly turned to face Ant but he couldn't figure out what to say. At this point is was almost 6am and Ant had to be leaving in 15 minutes to get to some meetings for work. "right...i get it" Ant said after Stephen said nothing he just continued to look at Ant, with words rattling around his brain as he tried to come up with a sentence, which didn't happen. Ant just stared back with a blank expression, he looked over to the clock on the wall and noticed the time "I've...i've uh got to get ready for work now. Umm i'm going to uh sleep at mine tonight" he said as he stood up and walked up stairs to get dressed, Stephen stayed frozen in place, just realising what he said. How what he said came across. He just couldn't come up with the right words, no matter how hard he searched his brain. 

As ant got upstairs, he went into Stephen's room grabbed his clothes and got changed, he went into the bathroom to freshen up and as he got in there he shut the door and just stared at his own reflection. He couldn't believe Stephen had just said that, did Stephen want to break up? He hoped to god he didn't because these past 6 months...it's the happiest Ant has ever been, he's never felt this way about anyone, and hearing Stephen say what he said broke Ant inside, that their relationship was making him anxious. 

When Ant walked down stairs, all dressed and ready to leave for work with his bag on his shoulder, Stephen stood up from the sofa with regret on his face, but he still didn't know what to say, he hoped Ant didn't think he wanted to break up because that was the last thing he wanted but he couldn't help but think that's what Ant thought. 

Neither men said anything, when Ant just sort of nodded to Stephen as he opened the front door and left for work and as he got out side he fell against the door and sighed, whilst Stephen on the other side of the door did the exact same thing. 

He didn't know what to do. How he was going to fix this. If he was going to be able to fix it. 

Whether or not he had screwed this up for good...