cursed (2022)

chapter six: walkman

I had a nightmare about Billy, so now I can't sleep. In attempt to get my mind off of it, I'm sketching little flowers in my math spiral. I was sitting in my bed, mostly waiting for a call from El, which I fear is never going to come.

Joyce said the government is always listening, so calls are risky. I don't protest because she's right, especially with the things the government has been covering up. She suggested letters, and I would've sent letters, but we don't have to money to send them out. I wouldn't even dare to ask my mom, that's how tight money is. I may be shutting everyone out, but I'd give anything to talk to El right now, even if it was just once. At least she'll be coming back for a day and I'll get to talk to her then.

As I sketched another flower petal, my mom knocked on the door.

"You can come in," I say.

My mom opens the door and comes inside, holding a box wrapped in Christmas-themed wrapping paper. I'm nothing short of confused.

"Hey, Max," she smiled and sat on my bed.

"Hi." I wanted to try and smile, but my lips just couldn't form one.

"I brought you something," my mom says before handing the box to me.

"It's not Christmas," I raised an eyebrow.

"Open it," she insists.

I nod and unwrap the paper. My mom hands me scissors and I use them to cut the tape around the box. Inside were a walkman and headphones I'd been wanting one for a long time. I couldn't help but smile for what felt like the first time in forever.

"I know things are really hard right now," my mom says. "For both of us- If I'm being honest with you, I don't know how I can make it better for you or for me. Just hang in there, okay?"

I nod and hug her, I'm crying now.

"Thanks, Mom,"

"You're welcome, baby," she rubs my back. "There's also a Kate Bush cassette inside. My co-worker ordered an extra by accident and gave it to me."

I nod and take the walkman and headphones out of the box as her mom leaves, closing the door behind her. I pick up the tape. The label read "Hounds of Love".

I plug in the headphones and put the cassette into the walkman before putting the headphones over my ears and pressing play. The first track is called "Running Up That Hill". At first, I can't exactly tell what the song is about, but when I got to the chorus, it reminded me of both Billy and Lucas.

"And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places."

I had always wished it was me that died, not Billy. It wasn't always like this, though.

Billy made me feel terrible. He made me want to jump off of a really high building to my demise. It's not that I wanted to die then, I just didn't want to live a life where I was constantly abused.

Before I stood my ground that day I found out about the Upside Down, he used to give me a bunch of bruises and scratches on my arms. He would unnecessarily yell and break my things whenever he was upset. He would take everything out on "poor Maxine".

One time, Billy was coming to pick me up from the arcade. This was the same day Lucas was trying to convince me that the Upside Down was a real thing and not just some made-up lie that he and his friends made to taunt me. I was about to leave when I heard Billy's car pull up, and told Lucas not to follow me out.

Unfortunately, Billy spotted Lucas by the entrance of the arcade. He assumed I was hanging out with him, which I was. I lied about it though. I told him it's a "small town", which wasn't even completely a lie. Lucas was the one that came to the arcade after me, but it didn't matter.

One thing Billy always swore, was that he would break shit when I lied to him, and he did. He ran over my skateboard with his car. It snapped and I just had to tape it until my mom got me a new one. Billy tried to act like it was an accident, but Neil didn't buy it. It only got so much worse from there.

It didn't matter if it was as little as something being misplaced in his room, to a date being canceled, or something as big as his father beating him or lecturing him about how he's a failure every day.

In Billy's eyes, I wasn't his sister. I was simply a punching bag.

I would lie awake at night and wish Billy was dead. I wanted something bad to happen to him. I was tired of him. Deep down, I didn't believe he'd die, so I never felt guilty for it.

When he actually died, all I could feel was guilt. It was like I was drowning in it. It's like I'm still drowning in it. People always said, "Be careful what you wish for" and I never really understood it until that day.

I never told anyone that I wished he was dead, and I never will. What kind of a person would that make me look like? I tried and tried to tell myself that it was okay, and that I didn't mean it, but I knew I did. I sure as hell wanted him dead, but I regretted ever wanting that when he died.

Now, I do want to die. In fact, I lie awake at night and wish it was me that was dead.

I also have another understanding of this song, and what it was originally written for. Lucas doesn't understand me.

I know Lucas cares about me. I know he worries for me, hence why he's always asking me what's up. I know he loves me because he's always asking to hang out. I know he loves me because even though I push him away, he always comes back.

I can't explain how I feel to him, even if I wanted to. I know how I feel in my chest and in my head. I don't know how I feel when it comes to wording it. You have to actually be me to be able to get it.

It's kind of like I'm drowning in a stormy ocean, but permanently. There's a ship, and everyone on that ship is fine. I'm in the ocean because something knocked me off the ship. Every time I swim up to the surface to try to get on that ship, or even take a breath, I'm pulled back underwater. Maybe hopeless or lost could be two ways to describe it, but it's not enough.

I don't like pushing Lucas away. I don't want to leave him-I don't want him to leave me. So you know, as the the song says, I'd swap our places. Even if it was just for a day. If we did, he'd understand me, and I'd understand him.