cursed (2022)

chapter seven: summertime sadness

I can't really remember that much from the summer after Billy died. It sucks because I feel like I was just starting to feel like I fit in. I had a sweet boyfriend, and best friend (and the first girl friend I've ever had), and an awesome friend group.

I wasn't entirely sure if the Mind Flayer would ever come back to bother us again since this wasn't Hawkins' first rodeo. El closed the gate, so I was pretty confident that we were good. But I also had this lingering feeling that something bad would happen.

After Billy died, I remember spending every day after that for three whole weeks just crying excessive amounts. I still cry, just not as much. It's more of a numb feeling now. Lucas was always there to try and make me feel better, but I think it's harder to get over someone dying when you feel guilty for it.

I remember everyone having to lie to the police. The fact that I couldn't tell mom or anybody else how he really died made it hurt even more. My friends are amazing, but they're obviously dealing with their own things and wouldn't know how to comfort me.

All I ever really did was stay inside and write letters full of things that I wish I could've said to Billy. I feel like none of it will ever be enough. What if he was willing to mend our relationship after all of this? He told me he was sorry before he died, as if any of this was his fault. Maybe he was saying sorry in general, but it didn't matter because he didn't need to be sorry. I'm the one that needs to be sorry.

I thought I was bad at coping, but Neil is the worst. He started heavily drinking and that's where the fights between him and my mom began. I think he regrets ever putting his hands on Billy, because now he's gone and there's nothing he can do about it. That's when he decided he was going to take it out on me and mom. This was the one time mom wasn't a suck up, because she refused to let him ever go too far with me.

Mom started to drink too though, and we fought a lot. Whatever was left of our relationship was gone, just like that. When the fights got too bad, Neil did what mom could never do. He left her. She came home from work one night, and he presented her with divorce papers. Mom begged and begged him not to leave, and it hurt to see her settling for less like that, like she always has. Neil didn't change his mind, and I'm grateful.

I haven't really gotten any better since he died. I don't know if I ever will. I tried to tell myself that loss is a part of life. It's true, but it's a loss I wasn't able to take, and it felt like I was going through it by myself.

Mom wasn't really there for me when I was grieving but that's okay because we all were- if you call fighting with your husband every day grieving.