cursed (2022)

chapter twenty-five: dear billy

Like the last car ride, I stare out the window and Lucas turns to glance at me every five seconds.

"Turn here," I tell Steve.

Dustin looks confused, "Here?"

I nod slowly. Steve doesn't say anything and makes the turn into a cemetery. I have one more letter. It's for Billy. For obvious reasons, he can't read it, so I'm going to read it to him.

Steve parks car the close enough to his grave to where they can watch me the whole time. He doesn't rush me or anything. I rummage in my backpack for the letter before starting to make my way to Billy's grave. I hear a door open and close behind me.

"Max?" Lucas calls out. I stop for a second but turn around to keep walking.

"Lucas, please, just wait in the car." I practically beg.

He starts running over to me, "Max, just wait! Max, please."

"Lucas, just wait-"

He puts his hands together as if he's about to say a prayer, "Just listen to me. Just, please."

And so I figured I should listen. This might be one of the last times I get to talk to him anyway.

"I know something happened back there with your mother," he says.

I don't know what to say, so I avoid eye contact and swallow hard. At least now I know that I really did get to say goodbye to my mom.

"Was it Vecna?"

"I told you, I'm fine. Okay?" I insist. "I mean, as fine as someone who's hurtling towards a gruesome death can be."

I smile. I don't know if it's sarcastic, or because I want him to think I'll be fine even though we both know I won't be. Whether I live or die today, I'm not going to be fine.

Eventually, our eyes meet again.

"Max," he says. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

He's asked this before- many times actually. The answer is always the same. I say yes, but then I never talk to him.

"Yeah," I nod. "I know that."

"Okay, then why do you keep pushing me away?" he asks.

I don't know what to tell him. I can't tell him that I've been miserable since the day Billy died last year. I can't tell him that the guilt's been eating me up. I can't tell him about my mom or Neil or that my home life still sucks even after we got away from him.

He pulls out my letter to him and holds it up, "Okay, look, I don't need a letter. I don't want a letter. Just talk to me. To your friends. We're right here. I'm right here. Okay? I'm here."

I actually debate on telling him the truth for the first time in forever, but I realize- Lucas may be here, but I won't be for much longer. I can't put the weight of my problems on his shoulders knowing I'm about to die. Besides, I owe this letter to Billy more than anything. It's the least I can do for him since I let him die.

"Just wait in the car. This won't be long." I say as I make my way up the hill.

Maybe I should've said goodbye. I should've hugged him, and told him how much he means to me. But there's no turning back now.