cursed (2022)

chapter twelve: reconnect

Personally, I haven't seen Lucas talking to Dustin or Mike. It kind of sucks. We haven't been talking either though, so it's kind of weird to say we're still together.

After the Byers' left for good, things went right back to how they used to be before, only worse. Mike is probably off moping about Eleven being gone, writing her a bunch of love letters. Dustin never shuts up about Suzie, so I know he's talking to her.

Ms. Kelley hasn't been helping much. None of my friends know I go to her, and I don't want them to. It's stupid because talking about my problems has only made me realize how truly hopeless I am. I feel like I'm just straying farther from recovery every time I leave that office after a session, and I feel like I'm past the point of recovery now. I can't even tell her how Billy really died, or how I used to pray he'd die, so how the hell am I supposed to get over it? Why should I have to get over it?

I told her that I got some work done, and I did. She told me she was proud of me so that was nice. Nobody had told me that in a long time. She taught me about healthy coping mechanisms. I told her I go to my favorite places to reminisce about how much better life used to be before. She said going to the skatepark or the arcade or Benny's to lounge around feeling sad is okay, because it's okay to be sad, but I can't be sad and push everyone away forever.

Maybe I'm just jealous- jealous that everyone else has something good going for them and that I don't. It's really difficult to look around and see that everyone is moving on with their lives and you're still mentally stuck on July 4th.

I don't tell Ms. Kelley that. With what I told her, she said I should find someone to talk to- someone I trust. That's when I told her about Lucas and what happened at the arcade. I told her about how I told him how bad things were for me right now, and he asked to see a movie right after. I also told her that now every time he asks what's up, I change the subject. The last thing I told her was that it feels like we're not even together anymore, and it's in my control but at the same time, it's out of it.

In response, she said it can be stressful when your girlfriend is shutting you out and that he probably just doesn't know how to deal with any of this, just like me. I didn't want him to "deal with it" I just wanted him to listen. It's too late now, because I don't want any of it anymore.

Lucas and I have hung out once or twice since the move. He probably thought we were back to normal because I wasn't all moody and depressed the one day El came back. He keeps persisting and asking to come over all the time. Sometimes he even says to study, but that's stupid because I don't even study anymore. He doesn't know I've moved to a trailer park, I still haven't bothered to tell him. He does know that my mom and I are no longer living with Neil because he mentioned calling to ask for me and Neil said I don't live there- which I don't. I didn't bother to explain, I just changed the subject, as usual, not even caring if it was smooth or not.

When we do hang out, it's because we happen to both be in the same place. There was this one time at the park when he was telling me about basketball. Now that he's trying out for the team, he's always wearing those stupid sweatbands everywhere, and he always, I mean always, has a goddamn basketball in his hand.

He talks about basketball so much and we always end up arguing about it. I tell him that basketball is stupid, and that he should try going out and doing something else for a change. Sure, I'm a hypocrite, but it gets annoying when all your boyfriend wants to talk about is basketball, even in the little time we find ourselves spending together.

To make things worse, the people on his team literally suck. They're always picking on Mike and Dustin and me whenever they get a chance, me on rare occasions. Either Lucas doesn't know it, or all he cares about is being known. I can't blame him for not wanting to get bullied, but I draw the line at hanging out with the bullies.

He thinks he convinced me to meet him at Family Video and join him for movie night, but I'm gonna go ghost again. I've realized that Dustin and Mike, like me, aren't too fond of Lucas trying out for the team, so there'd be a lot of unwanted tension. Besides, by the time it's time for movie night, I'm already in my bed letting my intrusive thoughts consume me, not wanting to get up.

Despite all that's going on, I miss Lucas. But it's hard to even smile at him anymore or look him in the eyes. Everything is always eating me up all at once and I can't escape it, so I have to take it. You'd think I'd get to have some good days, but they're all bad. Each one is the same, if not worse than the last. It sucks that this is what it's come to, but I really don't think it gets better, and I don't need anyone lying to me saying that it does.