cursed (2022)

chapter nine: change

This morning, I woke up and almost didn't recognize myself. I look tired as hell. I don't brush my hair that often anymore. It's usually always in a ponytail or a bun. I need to start, because I look a mess. The trouble is going to be trying to find the motivation to do that.

Last night, I smoked some of my mom's tobacco. It's not like she noticed, and it wasn't the first time either. Billy had me take some when I was younger. I had three puffs and choked on all of them. I remember mom was furious. It helped for a bit, but I won't do it again. The last thing I want to be is like either of them.

I haven't been able to get a lot of new clothes for school this year, so sometimes I borrow Mom's. Today wasn't one of those days though, thankfully. I managed to find a pair of jeans and a shirt to wear.

Before I leave, I observe my mom. She's still blacked out from last night, probably going to be late for work. We had fought the previous night about my grades, so I'm not surprised that this is how she responded. It's not like she can ground me or anything. I never go out and she works two jobs so she's not home a whole lot. When she is, we're either fighting or she's drunk. I can't remember the last time we had a normal conversation.

Sometimes, it makes me think back to how she'd go ballistic whenever dad did this back in San Diego. He'd blackout on the couch and she'd yell at him for being a "bad influence".

Whenever she's blacked out and I can't sleep, I usually come and watch TV with her. It's peaceful because it's just the sound of her breathing, whatever's on, and occasional TV static when it wants to act up. It makes me feel like we still have a healthy mother-daughter relationship, even if we don't.

There are empty beer cans and a bunch of cigarettes on the coffee table. Nothing about this is "healthy". I clean up and put everything in the trash before reminding her she has work and leaving to catch the bus.

Chrissy ended up giving me a tour of the school. She's really nice. She still hasn't asked me any personal questions, which I continue to be grateful for. She doesn't press anything and she explains everything really well. She showed me where all my classes were in case I ever forgot. She explained all the clubs a second time too- I guess she takes her job pretty seriously, even if it's short term.

Back in the gym, I considered joining video game club. The area was pretty packed, so I didn't like it. I tend to get anxious around a lot of people now. I got picked on earlier in the day over how stupid my unkept hair looks, so that just makes it worse. I just want to get this over with. Chrissy is indeed a cheerleader, so she was over by the cheerleading sign-up table while I examined the video game one.

There were a bunch of different tables. Cheerleading, Chess, Science, Newspaper-Hellfire. Hellfire was pretty empty. I could see Dustin and Mike at the table, who I haven't actually talk talked to in ages. I look over to see the Basketball table. There was no line, which surprised me a bit. Just a bunch of dudes playing with the ball.

I turn around and look at the Video Game Club sheets. I eventually came to the conclusion that it was bullshit. The leader of it had explained that meetings were mandatory-he was serious about it too. It's a goddamn video game club, it's never that serious.

What I didn't expect to see when I turned back around was Lucas at the basketball table, playing basketball. Maybe he wasn't actually playing, but he was trying to pick up the ball with one hand. Still, I thought he'd do Hellfire or some other nerdy shit, but basketball was such a big step up. He's never even mentioned liking basketball, hell, he's never been near one.

That's when it hits me. It's only now that I realize that we're actually in high school, and everything was going to be different now. I'm not the only one who's changed- for better or for worse.

He looks my way and notices me staring him down. Have I really been so out of it that I didn't know my own boyfriend likes basketball? I almost can't recognize him. If I went into a coma the night we kissed at the Snowball and woke up right this very second, I wouldn't recognize this boy.