cursed (2022)

chapter thirteen: separate ways

I find myself at the skatepark once again. It's Thanksgiving but for obvious reasons, I won't be having a fancy dinner, or even a turkey. So I just sit and watch the sunset and let my thoughts consume me as usual while the same song I always listen to plays like background music to my miserable life.

Before the break, Ms. Kelley told me to come up with a few things I'm grateful for and write them down. She wants me to show it to her when we get back. My life hasn't been great for a long time, and I just keep losing, so I'm having trouble.

Lucas invited me to his family's Thanksgiving dinner by slipping another note in my locker. I didn't even consider going. Sitting at the table while his family not-so-secretly judges the entirety of our relationship isn't what I need right now. Even without that, I just don't want to go. I'd rather be here watching people skate and be happy, like I once was.

I hear faint footsteps creeping up behind me. Surely, I wasn't going to get kidnapped or some shit. But then I feel like someone's behind me. I have to truth my instincts, I turn around fast.

"Jesus!" I pull down my headphones to see Lucas standing in front of me. "Lucas?"

"Sorry, I was trying not to scare you," he says.

"What're you doing here?" I question, still catching my breath from being startled. "I thought you were at dinner?"

"I was," he retorts. I notice he's holding a container full of food, it looks like. "But I thought you could do with some holiday spirit." he extends his hand that's holding the container closer to me.

I stare at the container in his hand. I didn't come to dinner for a reason. Does he think I'm not getting fed at home or something? I hope it doesn't look like I've lost weight or something. Despite the trouble I've been having, I try my best to eat three meals a day.

"What's that?" I finally say.

"Part of Thanksgiving dinner," Lucas explains. "I decided if you weren't going to accept my invitation, then maybe I could bring Thanksgiving to you. Careful, though. It's my Mom's tupperware and I have to get it back tonight or I'm dead."

I'm silent for a bit, still looking at the container before giving him my answer: "No thanks."

"No thanks?"

"I don't need food, Lucas."

"It's not food, Max. it's Thanksgiving dinner."

Only what's left of it, anyway.

"I don't want your family's leftovers, Lucas. I'm not a charity case."

This is how a lot of our arguments start, me taking something drastically out of proportion, or just me being mad in general. I guess I'm mad at the world. I know he doesn't think that I'm a charity case at all. He invited me to dinner, and I declined. Just like I decline everything else. I love him, but I don't need his pity. It only makes me feel worse. No matter how much I push him away, no matter how many pointless arguments we have, he just keeps trying. He keeps coming back. It's scary. It's scary how much he cares.

How much I care.

And what if someone or something took him away from me? Would I really be able to cope with that?

He scoots a bit closer to me, "Max, I want to help you deal with...what you're dealing with. But I don't know how to because I don't know what's wrong. So...please, tell me what it is and I'll do whatever I can to make it better."

I shake my head, "That's just the problem, Lucas. I'm not high school or Hawkins or your life. I don't need you to fix me."

He doesn't protest. Instead, places the tupperware between us on the concrete.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Can I...listen to some music with you?"

This question arose a million more. It was so uncalled for. I don't know what he's going to do next, and I don't ask. I think he can tell I'm confused. Instead of waiting for an answer, he takes my walkman and pushes rewind.

"Running Up That Hill is your favorite, right?" he asks.

I respond with a nod. I don't even know how he knew that.

When my walkman was done rewinding, he set it between us. All you could hear was the music echoing through the park. It was nice for a while, I almost forgot about everything that was bothering me, but my mind is mean, and this song reminds me of us.

Lucas looks like he's really listening to the song. Taking in the lyrics. I only ever have this song on repeat because it's the easiest to rewind to, yes, but also because it reminds me of Lucas and I. I feel like he'll never really understand what I'm going through. Even if he did, Lucas is a problem solver. He likes to fix things.

I'm not something that can be fixed.

I look over to him, tears in my eyes. He's looking at me too. I've finally realized that it's not fair of me to keep him around if I'm going to be the miserable girlfriend who doesn't want to open up or even try to get better. He's been trying so hard to be there, and all I've done is push him away, it's not fair to him. I have to let him go.

"I live in a trailer park," I say softly. I fear if I say anything too loudly, my voice will break and I won't be able to stop the endless tears that would leave my eyes.

"What?"

I reach forward and turn off the walkman so he'd be able to hear me.

"I live in a trailer park," I repeat. I didn't want it to, my but voice cracks anyway.

Lucas doesn't say anything. He's just listening, he's actually listening.

"Neil left my mom," I manage to say. "Left her with nothing, so now we live in Forest Hills up east. That's why I'm here, because we can't afford turkey this year."

A tear escapes my eye but I wipe it away quickly.

"I'm so sorry, Max." Lucas gives me this sympathetic look.

"It's not like I don't want to come to Thanksgiving dinner at your house, Lucas," I explain. "Or to Super Mario in Mike's basement, or to movie nights, or to see Godzilla. It's just..." I pause before opening my mouth to speak again . "There's just too much...change in my life right now. I can't pretend that everything's normal."

I put my hoodie over my head because it was getting a bit cold. Lucas doesn't say anything. That's okay, because I'm not done talking.

"I want you to know- I understand what you're doing. I know you don't think I'm a charity case. I know you're bringing me dinner because you think I deserve to be happy, and you want to try to make me happy. But..." I sigh. "It's hard to look around and see everyone doing fine when everything in my life is going to shit. Nothing stays the same for long, and everyone- good or bad- leaves eventually. No matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out." I shrug. "So what's the point of trying anymore?"

It's clear that nothing in this life has anything good going for me. I only have two more things left to lose, my mom and Lucas. I'll be the reason I lose Lucas before something else tears us completely apart.

"Max..."

I look up at him. It's difficult to look him in the eyes.

"I don't know if I can ever be happy, Lucas. Not even with you."

He doesn't say anything after that. He knows what I'm trying to say, what I've been trying to say for the longest. For the very first time between me and Lucas, the silence is uncomfortable, so I rewind the tape on my walkman. He doesn't leave, we just sit there in silence and let the music play.