cursed (2022)

chapter eighteen: regressing

I walk through the busy halls with the same song playing through my headphones. Everyone seems so happy and pumped, and I know my face looks dull. I see a trio of girls, and it reminds me of how I was never able to fit in with any. I think that's why I cherish El so much. I got to help her find herself-who she really is. But even she feels like a stranger now.

My eyes go to a couple making out against the lockers. Honestly, disgusting. It's a cheerleader and a basketball player, so I'm not that surprised. I can see Lucas down the hall, and I'm praying he doesn't notice me, but he does. He gives me this kind of worried look-like I look like a mess or something. Like he can't recognize me.

As I turn the corner, I see Chrissy walking out of Ms. Kelley's office. She looks scared-no, terrified. I would've never expected her to be there, because she's like, this happy bubbly person, but I guess everyone's fighting their own battles. I was like her for a while. I'm still confused, but I let it go.

I go into Ms. Kelley's office just as she asked me to. I sit in the chair and start bouncing my leg on the floor and playing with my headphone wire. Coming here has always made me nervous. I'm fed up with the fact that I've been coming here for the longest and nothing has changed, so I want today's session to be quick.

"Can you remove your headphones, please?" Ms. Kelley points her fingers up to her ears in case I can't hear her.

I did as she said and clicked a button on my walkman, pausing the song that's keeping me partially sane.

"Sorry," I say and look down at my fingers, continuing to bounce my foot.

Ms. Kelley examines a paper on her desk, "A C in English and C-minus in Spanish," she looks up at me.

"Yeah,"

"Well, that's not normal for you," Ms. Kelley says.

My grades haven't been consistent for a long time. At the beginning of the year, they were okay-ish. They're never really bad, I just don't do a lot of my work. Now they're getting there because I stopped trying.

"If you say so,"

"How's your mom holding up?" she asks.

The last thing I want to do right now is talk about my mother. I'm fidgeting a lot and desperately avoiding eye contact. I hate these sessions.

"She's fine," I say, playing with my headphone wire again. "I mean, she hates our new place, which is like...yeah, it's terrible, but...she's fine.

"Is she still drinking?" Ms. Kelly questions.

I immediately look up at her, ready to defend my mom, "Like, yeah a little, but...well, she's working two jobs, so it's not easy."

I love my mom, and I've been trying so hard to justify her behavior when it came to Ms. Kelley. I hate that our relationship now is only fighting and me turning off the TV for her when she's blacked out on the couch. I know there's nothing I can do about it though, because absolutely everything is out of my control. So I learn to live with it.

"It must not be easy for you either with your stepdad gone," Ms. Kelley tells me.

"It's kind of better, honestly," I reply. I never liked Neil to begin with. I was never too vocal about why with Ms. Kelley, because I didn't want her to call CPS or some shit. I don't want more guilt on my shoulders.

"Better how?" she asks.

I think for a second before responding, "He was an asshole, so there's less...assholery."

"Are you sleeping better?"

I thought about my nightmares, which are worse than usual. They're the reason I don't get any sleep nowadays. I wasn't going to tell Ms. Kelley about them. I'll just tell her they went away or something. There's nothing she can do to stop them, anyway.