cursed (2022)

chapter fifteen: last valentines

Valentine's day this year feels lonely, of course. I talked with Mike for like, two minutes, and the entire time he was just going on about what he got Eleven. I don't care what he got her, so I don't listen to any of it. Lucas had been winning his games, but I hear that he's always benched. I don't hear anything about Dustin, and I haven't talked to him. He's probably making out with Suzie through his Cerebro. It's like I don't even know these people- can even consider them my friends anymore?

This year, I bought my mom some chocolate and made her dinner. It's not like I have anyone else to buy it for, because I broke up with Lucas. Mom deserves it anyway. Even though we're not always (never) on good terms, and I hate her for a lot of things, she's my mom.

I hate today, because now I'm stuck thinking about last Valentine's day when Lucas and I were together and we were both happy. I remember he bought me a bunch of chocolate and a pink stuffed bear, which I still have to this day. He said he had to do extra chores and mow a lot of lawns for the money, and I had never felt as special as I did that day.

We went bowling, watched movies, and ate a bunch of ice cream until our stomachs hurt. I find myself reminiscing about all the pointless fights that we used to have before things got bad. I'd broken up with him about five times, and he still managed to win me back every single one of them. It was middle school, so it wasn't anything serious. I probably don't even remember what half of the fights were about.

I remember when I first met Lucas. When I was still new to Hawkins, he was always coming up to my locker to invite me out or just to talk to me. He was the first person who made me feel like Hawkins wouldn't be so bad. I remember him going against the party rules and telling me about the Upside Down even though he and Dustin ended up arguing over it. He thought I was worth it. We went to the Snow Ball together and he asked me to dance. That night, he was my first kiss, and I was his. I remember all the times I cried to him last year. He didn't always know why I was crying, but he consoled me every time. He was the first person I ever even remotely opened up to. He's never judged me for anything, he's the best.

Now, when I see him in the hallways, he just smiles. I try to smile back, but sometimes I can't even find it in me to do so. I don't hate him at all, in fact, the issue is me still being in love with him. It's hard to look at him without having flashbacks consisting of everything we ever did together flood my mind at once. So when he smiles, I just make eye contact with him and we go about our days, as if nothing ever happened between the two of us.