cursed (2022)

chapter one: arcade

I think the Palace Arcade is one of my safe spaces. I only come here to watch other kids play, because I think I'm growing too old to even be here anymore.

The arcade never fails to remind me that so much has changed since I moved here. I remember getting first place on Dig Dug, and topping the leaderboard for the longest time. I remember Lucas telling me about inter-dimensional monsters, and thinking he was crazy. I remember the times when we used to hang out a lot. We'd go on dates here.

I guess the last thing I expected to see was him walking through that door. We weren't supposed to hang out today, we never really hang out anymore. I guess it's my fault, all I do is isolate myself and mope.

Lucas always wanted to come to my house, but when Billy was still alive, he'd never allow it. He asked again after what he thought was a comfortable while after Billy died, since I refused to come over to his. I told him Neil was worse than Billy, and that's because he is. I mean, I don't see why not. It's no mystery where Billy had gotten his vendetta against Lucas from.

One of the things I hated the most about Billy was the way he hated Lucas. Lucas has always been an amazing boyfriend. I tried to explain that, but Billy would always insist that he's no good. He never dared to say it out loud, but I know it's because he's black. If it's aggravating for me, I can't imagine how Lucas feels.

I feel like deep down, he doesn't care all that much about Billy dying because he hurt him, and he hurt me. Lucas always used to rant to me about how oblivious Mike and Dustin are to the racism he experiences. I don't fully understand, but I listen to him. I always wished there was a way I could help him, but the most I can do is try to understand him.

People always did give us weird looks back when we'd hang out at Starcourt, acting like in blasphemous to be in an interracial relationship. It's annoying.

I don't know if he was looking for me or something, but he came and took a seat by me on the floor when he realized I was there.

I couldn't look at him, I don't know why. He was looking at me, but I kept looking into nowhere, watching the kids play as I mindlessly started to rant about whatever was on my mind. He's my boyfriend so he wouldn't mind listening, right? Right.

I told him about San Diego and how pretty it was. I told him about the few friends I had, and how cool the skateparks are back there. I told him about how I tried to run away to LA to be with my real dad when my parents told me we were moving here, and how the police found me at the train station and brought me back. I told him that Billy got blamed by his father for not watching me and that it was the reason Billy was so mad when he found me at the Byers that night. It was because I snuck out, and knowing Neil, he probably blamed Billy. I told him about how I'd cry every day after Billy died until my body gave out. I told him about one of my best friends that I'd left back in California, Nate Walker, and how we grew apart because of Billy. I told him about how difficult the move was and about how much I missed my dad, how much I wanted to be with him. I also told him that my stepdad sucks, even more so now that Billy is gone.

One thing I didn't tell Lucas was that the day he came to my house, I was about to run away too. I had lied to my mom and said I needed money for clothes. She gave it to me and I packed a bag, I was going to leave. But Lucas came just in time to introduce me to something that nowadays, makes me wish I had left faster.

I don't know if he was listening to any of it, though. When I turned to him, he was spacing out. He looked bored. I don't blame him, but it sucks that the one time I open up, he doesn't want to listen.

I had finished off my little rant with how miserable I had been feeling since Billy died, and he said nothing but, "Uh-huh."

It was silent for a little bit before he asked if I wanted to catch a movie with him. I couldn't believe him. I pour out my heart and soul to him, but he just wants to watch a movie. Does he even really care?

Nevertheless, he's my boyfriend. I shook my head and said: "Sure."

I wonder if he could tell I was annoyed.

The bike ride to the theatre was a long one. Lucas tried talking to me, but I shut him down a lot. I was still pissed, I think he gets that now. When we got there, we found that they were showing three films. Two were old, Godzilla and Fright Night. The last movie was newer, it's called Commando. None of these movies were anything I was interested in watching, especially considering that the wound Billy's death left me with was still fresh.

Lucas lists out the movies that are available to watch and describes each one of them to me in detail. Monsters and guns were the dealbreakers. It all reminded me too much of Starcourt- the Mind Flayer and the Russians. Maybe if he wasn't being an ass earlier, I might've set all that aside and considered it, but my final answer was no.

Lucas looks confused, "No?"

"No."

"Why not?"

I sigh and shake my head, "I don't want to watch anything with monsters in it."

I hope he understands what I'm trying to say.

"Commando doesn't have monsters," he persists.

"There are always monsters, Lucas," I say. "Even when they don't look like it."

And with that, I walked away. The truth is, I used to love watching movies about monsters and horror movies in general, but I can't, not after what happened. I don't know if he stayed to see the movie or decided to call it a night. Maybe I should've stayed, because now I have to go back home and back boxes while I listen to my parents argue all night.