cursed (2022)

chapter three: first day

After Starcourt, I stopped going out. I hung out with Eleven for the little time she was still around, but after that, I was on my own. I pretty much stopped going out altogether. I didn't make any new friends at Hawkins Middle. My only friends were Mike, Dustin, and Lucas. I had been so distant that I don't even know if the three had been hanging out at all.

I don't even mean to be distant, I just can't keep going out while my life is in shambles, pretending everything is fine. If I hung out with anyone my mind would probably be in a totally different place.

Even if I wanted to hang out, my parents are newly divorced. I have to help my mom unpack all the boxes from the move. I hate living in a trailer park so far. It sucks, but at least we're not homeless. At least we don't have to be around Neil anymore. Doesn't make it suck any less.

I couldn't make any friends even if I wanted to. Back in San Diego, my only friends were boys, just like how my only friends here in Hawkins are boys. Maybe that's why I was so excited to meet El when I first heard about her. Not just because she had these cool powers, but because she's a girl.

I take the bus to school and I'll probably end up skating home because Billy can't drive me anywhere anymore if he's not here.

Walking into homeroom sucked. I felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb. I looked around to see if any of my friends were here, but they're not. I'm on my own. My teacher just told us the basics about note taking and staying on top of our shit, nothing new. Not long after, we're setting up our locker combinations. I look around to observe and see Lucas-he's waving at me. I give him a weak smile in return.

I've been extremely distant, Lucas probably feels like he doesn't know me anymore. I feel bad about it, but there's not much I can do. He always asks to spend time together, but I can't pretend I'm okay for the sake of going out. Even if I wanted to, I'm not good at it, and it'd feel wrong. So every time he asks to hang, I tell him I'll think about it or I agree just to cancel last minute. Worst case scenario, I don't call to tell him I'm not coming and don't show up at all.

He doesn't know what's going on. He's always asking, but I've never told him anything since the day at the arcade. He's probably caught onto this. Whenever he asks, I change the subject. There's reasoning behind this: One, he's a problem solver. Instead of just listening (if he ever did listen in the first place), he'd try to "fix me". Two, there's absolutely no point in telling anyone how I feel if there's nothing that can be done. The most people do is reassure you and say it gets better, but it really doesn't.

The thing with Lucas is he probably just wants to be in a "normal" relationship where we whisper sweet nothings and make out all the time, like Eleven and Mike, but given the circumstances, I can't do that.

A lot of this is bitchy, I know, but after all, I've been through maybe I get to be a bitch.

Part of me wants him to leave me alone, but I love him and he's the only good thing I have right now. I think he'll eventually get tired of trying with me and go find someone better. I don't want to think about it, so I'll just let the thought linger at the back of my mind.

Orientation was boring, I spaced out a lot of the time and even almost fell asleep. When it was over, we were assigned peer mentors. Mine was a girl named Chrissy Cunningham. It took a while, but I eventually found her.

"You must be Maxine," she smiles. She has a pretty smile. She has this preppy outfit on and looks like she just had six cups of coffee. I wonder how in the world someone could have that much energy. If I were to take a wild guess, I'd think she's probably a cheerleader.

"Max," I correct her. Every time someone calls me, "Maxine" it catches me off guard, and I hate it. Billy always called me by my full name because his dad did it, and Neil knows I hate it.

"Max," she nods. "I'm Chrissy, it's nice to meet you."

"You too." I smile weakly. I don't care much about the impression I have on these strangers, they won't remember me in a few years.

"So, did you have any extracurriculars in mind?"

I'm grateful that she doesn't ask about my personal life, strictly business. I'm not here to make friends in the first place.

"No," I shake my head. "I don't really know if I wanna do anything."

"Oh, well that's okay," Chrissy says. "If you change your mind, let me know."

Chrissy told me about the school's history, the different sports teams, and the extracurriculars. She also told me about this club called, "Hellfire" which is a D&D club. I know because of Dustin and Mike, but she said it doesn't have the best reputation.

She asked what I like to do in my free time. I didn't mind this question, so I told her I used to go down to the arcade a lot, to which she responded by suggesting the Video Game Club. Maybe if I wasn't the way I am now, I would've been interested.

That same day, I didn't eat lunch with my friends, I ate alone. I ate outside on the curb. We hadn't talked in what feels like a long time, so I think it'd be awkward anyway. The only thing I ate was an energy bar. I've been losing sleep these days, so it was the only thing that was going to get me through today.