cursed (2022)

chapter fourteen: new year, same me

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was completely a blur. I only remember crying so much. I remember crying and wishing it was me that died in that "fire". I wanted my mom to give me long hugs like she used to and comfort me, telling me it'd be alright. I wanted to retreat to Lucas' house and watch Superman a million more times while he talks about basketball, because anything is better than feeling like this.

Whenever I got more sad than I'm used to, I'd just think back to the Snow Ball and tell myself that maybe one day I could be that happy again, because that's the day I was happiest.

For Christmas, mom got me a bunch of new clothes with money she told me she had been saving. She also got me a few more cassettes. I didn't ask for anything in particular. I wouldn't have cared if I got anything or not, but I'm grateful. Lucas and I aren't necessarily on speaking terms, but he still always says hi to me in the halls.

I thought it'd be a possibility that I'd get to see El for spring break, but my mom can't afford it. I understand, so I let it go. I haven't talked to her since the move. I wonder how she and Will are doing.

Ms. Kelley doesn't like the phrase "New year, new me", she says she prefers "New year, better me". I actually agree with her, but I have no intentions of changing. It's been six whole months since Billy died, and it still feels like it was yesterday. We have a set schedule now, I go on Tuesdays, and Thursdays, and if it's an emergency I can come in any time. Regardless, going to her office hasn't helped me at all, and I think she's starting to see that. When I first started to go, I told her pretty much everything- everything I'm legally allowed to disclose, of course. Now I don't tell her anything because it feels like I'm repeating myself just to get nowhere. I tell her about San Diego and how much I miss it to avoid questions about home. It's also nice talking about San Diego, since I never really got over the fact that I had to move. I never talk about Billy or that night, so she stopped pushing. She knows that Lucas was my boyfriend, but she doesn't know we broke up. I go silent whenever she asks about him, so she said I can talk about him when I'm ready.

My grades aren't going up. In fact, they're getting worse. I haven't talked to Mike and Dustin in forever. They joined Hellfire and now they walk around in tacky shirts that let everyone know they're in the stupid thing. Lucas ended up making the basketball team, and I'm silently happy for him. At least one of us is getting somewhere, right?

I still get picked on every now and then, I guess people are bored. It doesn't bother me much because it's nothing compared to anything else I've had to deal with.

I guess what I've realized is that a lot is changing among the people I know, but I've been the same.