american beauty // joshler

14

josh's point of view

"how was the concert?" jayla asks, pouring a bit of dressing over her salad. "i feel like we haven't talked much in the past week. what's been going on?"

"it was good... strange. doing anything with tyler is strange," i admit, guilt pooling in my stomach yet again. it's mixed with another feeling i can't make out this time, something different.

"oh? what else have you done together then?"

for a moment, i consider lying to her. i look up from my laptop to where she sits across from me at my kitchen table, and i just can't. i need a friend right now, one that isn't tyler.

"i went to one of his parties. we talked. he was kind of, like, oversharing a bit. he took me to lunch a couple days after and was freaking out about it. he apologized though, said he really did just want to be friends."

"do you believe him?"

i'm quiet for a minute. we both know the answer.

"i don't know."

"what else happened?" she sighs, taking a bite of her food and looking at me with one brow raised in speculation.

"well, after the concert, i stayed over at his house. we just talked, gossiped about celebrities he knew," i shrug a little.

"hm."

"we didn't do anything! i promise."

"then why are you making that face?" she crosses her arms over her chest.

"what face?"

"like you're constipated. you're making the face dogs make when they put their tail between their legs, when they know they're in trouble."

"like i said, it's just... strange. it's weird and it puts an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach."

"then why do you keep doing it?"

"i... don't know."

she shakes her head. "i'll drop it."

-

"i'm so ready to be back home." ayden smiles at me from the passenger seat of my car. "i missed you, j."

"i missed you too." i smile back at him and take one of his hands in mine as i drive.

because he doesn't live far from the airport, we're back to his apartment in no time and i help him carry in his luggage.

he starts to unpack as soon as we're inside, claiming he'll never get it done if he doesn't do it now.

"so, what did you do while i was gone? how was work? the concert?"

"the concert was great, yeah. brendon is an interesting guy. i didn't do much else though. lots of editing and watching tv," the lie tumbles out of me before i can stop it, scraping it's knees on my conscience.

it's not technically a lie, but an omission of the truth, of the details i shouldn't have to hide if i believe that tyler really does just want to be friends.

"how was your trip?" i ask, hoping to change the subject and ignore that feeling that waits under my skin.

he tells me about it while he finishes unpacking. afterwards, he comes to wrap his arms around my neck and smiles a little, his eyes locked on mine.

his voice is soft when he speaks again, "i love you, you know."

"and i love you." i lean down to kiss him, to stop him from saying anything else that will feel like honey over paper-cuts, sweet and stinging.