american beauty // joshler

31

josh's point of view

i wake up to tyler cuddled up next to me, sleeping peacefully.

i can't believe that last night was real. i don't regret it, of course. like i told him, i don't think i ever could, even if i tried.

i reach for my phone on the nightstand to check the time. when i see it's close to eleven, i decide to wake up the man sleeping next to me.

"tyler, can you get up with me, sweetheart?" i rub his arm gently, hoping that he won't freak out on me and think i'm leaving again if i'm careful with how i go about this.

"nnnn, why?" he grumbles, snuggling closer to me.

"because it's already eleven."

"so?" he yawns quietly. "i sleep later than this all the time."

"please?"

he's quiet for a minute and then sighs. "fine." he sits up, slowly untangling himself from me. he looks down at me, a sleepy smile on his face. "i'm keeping this one, but i'll find the shirt i stole from you last time so you have something to wear," he tells me, stretching his arms above his head.

i watch him disappear into his closet and return a moment later with my shirt. he throws it to me and then steps into the bathroom, leaving me alone while i get dressed.

once he's out of the restroom, he walks forward so he's closer to me and then hugs me, his face pressed against my chest. "do you wanna get some coffee downstairs? madi should still be here."

"alright." i place a kiss on the top of his head and he pulls away, taking my hand instead to lead me downstairs.

it's not as awkward as i thought it would be, but i know that will probably change soon.

madi is downstairs, as tyler had thought, and smiles when she sees us. "good morning. anything i can make you two for breakfast? i brought some groceries earlier this morning and i just finished putting everything away, so i can make whatever."

"i'll just have some coffee, please?" tyler asks, choosing to sit on a barstool instead of at the table this time.

"of course." she turns to me. "anything for you?"

i take a seat next to tyler and shake my head. "just coffee for me too, if that's okay."

she nods and then goes about making the drinks. tyler rests his head on folded arms on the countertop, his eyes closed. i decide not to bother him until mugs are being placed in front of us and madi is excusing herself, telling tyler she'll see herself out and talk to him tomorrow.

he takes a drink of his coffee and then sets it back down on the counter, turning to look at me. "now, why did i need to get up again?"

"well, i think we should probably talk about what happened... don't you?"

i watch his eyes widen and he sits up a little more. "why? do you regret it already?" he buries his face in his hands. "fuck. i-"

"tyler," i interrupt him, taking his wrists and gently pulling his hands away from his face. "no, i don't regret it. everything is okay, don't do this thing that you do."

"what thing?" he looks at me, like a deer in headlights.

"every time you even think i'm going to leave, you start panicking. then, you start backtracking and you act all mean or avoid me completely. don't shut down on me here, okay? i'm not leaving, and i'm not saying i regret it," i keep my voice soft and calm as i try to reassure him.

"but..?" he ignores my explanation and focuses on the last sentence.

"i don't know. i just feel like we should maybe talk about... what this means? or what it changes?"

he looks down at our hands and shrugs. "does it really have to change things?"

"i think you know it does, ty."

"why? if it means something, if it changes something, it'll just end badly. it always does for me." he looks back up at me with watery eyes. the fear and sadness is so deep within his expression, but at the same time, so subtle. "it'll end and we'll both be sad. i'll do something or say something and fuck it up. you'll hate me forever. i don't want that. i don't..." he pauses and takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. "i don't think i can take that. look, just... make it easy. say i never mattered. we can leave it at this." he opens his eyes again and a tear slides gracefully down his cheek. "you can be happy with ayden. i'll stay here forever and keep last night in a heart shaped box in my head. i can stay golden in your memory. and you can be happy."

my heart breaks just a little and i squeeze his hand once. "tyler, it doesn't always end bad. i've stuck around this long, haven't i? contrary to what apparently everyone you've ever dated or slept with seems to have lead you to believe, you are capable of being in a happy relationship. you are deserving of love, just like everyone else.

"even if you fuck up, even if we fight, we just communicate. we work it out. not everything can be fixed or resolved, no, but being in a real relationship means at least trying to see if it can before giving up."

"i don't know how to do that, josh. you deserve someone who does. i can't let you do that to yourself."

"so, you're saying you want to pretend it never happened?"

he shakes his head, pulling his hands away to wipe a few tears. "i just think it's safer to stay friends. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i hurt you."

"pretending that last night didn't happen would hurt too. it's better to have loved and lost, you know? i don't want to spend years just trying to forget that ever happened."

"i don't agree with that saying at all. why not save yourself the heartbreak?" his brows are furrowed and i can see the battle happening in his head as our conversation continues. he's not used to having someone fight for him like this.

i take one of his hands in mine again, brushing my thumb across his knuckles, "tyler, i'm sure that whatever feelings you have toward me are difficult for you to grasp right now because they're different than what you're used to. they're new and scary and i get that. but relationships, love, feelings, none of that has to be something to be afraid of.

"if you don't want that with me, and i've read the past several months wrong or whatever, that's fine. but i don't want you to just blow me off because you're scared." i sigh and look down at our hands for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts before i continue, "look, i just got out of a serious relationship. i'm not saying i'm ready for everything either. i'm just saying that i can show you what a healthy relationship looks like, over time.

"i can take care of you. i can be there for you. i just... i want to at least try, and i think i deserve that chance."

tyler just stares at me, a million thoughts running through his mind as he lets what i said soak in.

then, "what happened with you and ayden?"

i guess i should have expected this question.

i start at the end, "you know the first thing that came to mind when he left my apartment?" i pause and tyler shakes his head. i continue, "relief. i could stop pushing down everything i was feeling towards you, stop forcing myself to try and hold onto a relationship that i just... grew out of. i'll always care about ayden, but we both kind of... became different people. it wasn't the same anymore. maybe that's scary to hear, that things can go wrong. but don't you want to try..?"

he's quite for another minute and i watch fear become prominent in his eyes before he answers, "i just don't think i'm ready." he closes his eyes tightly and then takes a deep breath before looking back at me. "but i can try. i mean, i can... we can be exclusive without... putting a label on it yet, right?"

"yeah?" i smile softly at him and bring his hand up so i can press a kiss to the back of it.

"yeah." he smiles back at me and i know that was probably the hardest conversation he's ever had. i am so proud of him.

and that's a start.

(an: 14 chapters left)