american beauty // joshler

21

josh's point of view

i wake up early, unable to fall back asleep. i give up after maybe ten minutes and get up to get ready for the day.

i hardly ever edit in my office, but i might as well get some use out of the room if i'm awake.

i stop to get a coffee on the way, my brain still in the process of waking up. i walk into the building and into the elevator, surprised to see so many people already there. if i had to be here this early everyday, i'd probably stop functioning.

i walk into my office, set my coffee down on my desk and sit down on front of my computer. it's easier to edit on a desktop, so i really should probably work here more often. i just feel more comfortable at home.

i get lost in my work for awhile and it startles me when someone knocks on my door.

tyler stands there, charming smile on his face. "good morning, darling. i was hoping to find you here."

"good morning to you too, i guess," i let him in and lean forward on my elbows against the front of my desk, watching as he looks over the wall behind me, where photos from a few of my best shoots are hung.

"well, i guess photos do last longer after all." he's got a proud smirk on his face, all chapped, cherry lips and messy, chocolate hair.

"you're not the only one up there. don't get too cocky."

as if.

"i guess we're both good at what we do if this is your showcase. i'm in almost all of these."

i shrug. "easier to keep you out of trouble when you're captured in a photo."

"you'll frame me up there on your wall, huh? just to keep me out of trouble?" he comes closer to me, his eyes now locked on mine. a challenge.

"i don't think it's working very well," i reply. i'm thankful my voice didn't crack, as my mouth has now gone dry and my heart is beating a mile a minute. i'm losing.

he's so close to me that i can smell his cologne. every bit of common sense i've done my best to pound into my skull is leaking out of my ears.

he laughs a little, small smile still resting easily on his lips. it's not quite a smirk anymore, but it's just as suggestive.

"i think you're right about that, darling," he steps even closer and just when i think he's going to lean all the way into me, he steps to the side and walks around my desk to continue looking at the pictures on my wall. "you shot angela for dior's spring line this year? when did that happen?"

"a couple weeks ago," i tell him, my heart rate struggling to get back to its normal pace. it's too early for this shit.

"hm. i was in that lineup last year. i'm doing their fall this year."

"that's great. when is that? i can't remember exactly," i say, slightly embarrassed.

it's not like me to not remember something scheduled but i'm too flustered and disoriented by this whole scene to really think much of anything. i do vaguely remember seeing that on the calendar at some point, i just can't place exactly when it is.

i've worked with dior before, and tyler has too. the second shoot we did together was for the company.

"a few weeks from now i think," he shrugs. "anyway, i'm usually late, as you've probably noticed. you haven't asked why i'm here early yet. you're not curious about this special occasion?"

"what is it?"

"i wanted to see you." he comes back around to stand in front of me again, closer than i think would normally be considered platonic.

"how is that special?" i ask, doing my best to keep my cool under his gaze.

"because you're special to me, j." he brings one finger up to trace the collar of my shirt, not making eye contact anymore. "not like anyone i've ever met."

"i don't think that-"

"sh," he interrupts, "let's leave the moment as it is, yeah? it's about time to get to set anyway." he pats my shoulder and then walks out of the room, leaving the door open behind him for me to follow.

today is weird.

-

after the fever dream of a morning and a shoot with tyler's facade, i eventually make it to ayden's apartment for dinner.

he answers the door with a smile, the same one he always wears. "j!" he pulls me into a hug. "it's been a couple days, i missed you." he steps back and lets me in.

"i missed you too." i force a smile onto my face. it's heavier than usual and i feel like it will fall off if i don't focus on holding it there. i go to sit at the table and watch him go back to the stove. "what're you making?"

he goes into detail about the dish, some sort of stew he's concocted. he's passionate about what he does and i'm happy he's found something fulfilling for himself.

i wonder if he has the same doubts about us that i do, if the trepidation surrounding the mundane bed we have made for ourselves bothers him at night when we lie in it.

we talk and eat, the conversations only surface level. we covered the deeper grounds years ago, there's no more uncharted land. instead of the peace that i think should come with that, the feeling of home and safety, i'm just... apathetic. i feel so ashamed of it.

i'm not sure when the happiness began to fade, when the feelings became dormant, but i wish i could fix it. i just don't think i can anymore.

-

in bed, ayden sleeps soundly next to me while i lie awake. i'm unable to sleep now, just like i was after waking up so early this morning.

i stare at the ceiling, feeling empty and contrite.

my phone buzzes and my eyes immediately dart to it. i would be thankful for the distraction if i wasn't almost positive it's tyler.

i don't pick up the phone, instead opting to stare at it and let the guilt wash over my skin with the knowledge that ayden is asleep next to me and my mind is more focused on what that fucking text might say than the man next to me.

i feel tears start to fall without warning and i turn over as quickly as i can without disturbing him, desperate to get my phone out of eyesight. i wrap my arm around him and press a soft kiss to his shoulder.

and i'm a terrible person.

(an: me frantically googling synonyms for various words this whole chapter)