american beauty // joshler

23

tyler's point of view

i'm sitting at a meeting the day after the doorstep incident, sunglasses covering my eyes and a coffee in my hand.

regina is explaining a few things, going over some numbers and a few scheduling changes. she mentions an interview a couple months from now too, though i'm not sure why anyone would want to interview me.

when the official business is done, she takes a seat across from me and i can tell from the expression on her face that she's disappointed in me.

"how are you, tyler?"

"do you care?"

i know she does, but i feel myself growing spikes of protection once again, snapping at her at the accusation.

"tyler, you know i care about you. please don't pull this act now."

"write me off then. give up on me. i mean, what else do you expect from me at this point? i think i'm probably just a lost cause anyway, aren't i?" my words burn my tongue like acid, scarring my mouth and filling my eyes with tears that i refuse to let fall.

"you know i'm not going to do that."

"why do you care? i show up, i pose, i follow the directions. i stay thin, i keep up my stupid eighteen-step skincare routine. it's ridiculous but i do it." i feel like my skin is on fire now too, a crisp dedication to the argument like flames up every inch of me.

"tyler."

"gina."

"please, act your age here. you're not a child." she brings two fingers up to rub at her temples, obviously tired of my behavior. so am i.

"why? i'm treated like one."

"you're treated like one when you act like one. that's my whole point here."

"whatever," is my only response. i've run out of things to say and embarrassment has begun to take over the anger in my veins.

"alright. i'm done here. you guys have a great day." regina smiles tightlipped at josh and steven, who have remained silent the entire time. she grabs her things and leaves without another word.

"are you ready, tyler?" steven asks, already standing from his chair.

"yep," i stand with him and watch from the corner of my eye as josh gets his things together to leave as well.

josh catches up to us in the elevator and i feel the remains of the anger fight with embarrassment and sadness. i don't want to do this.

"what the hell do you want?" i speak quietly despite the rudeness in my question.

"tyler, i know you well enough by now to know why you're acting this way," he starts, treading lightly.

i wish i could tell him he doesn't know me, that i never want to talk to him again, but they would both be lies.

"why's that then?"

"you're embarrassed, i think, and maybe a bit scared," he calls me out with a gentle tone, a soft, untouched blanket of snow that would melt in my hands.

"why exactly would i be scared, jim?"

we step out of the elevator and i think i want him to drop it there, to go to his car and leave it, but he doesn't. and i think i'm a liar.

"well, passing out at someone's doorstep is scary, ty. and for you, so is asking for help, as is when i give it to you. you don't like being vulnerable that way, which i can understand. i think i just bring it out of you somehow. but none of that means it's fair to... pufferfish out like this, to try and get us to leave you alone by being an ass. you know regina cares about you. she didn't deserve that." he stops in front of steven's car when we reach it and i know he wants me to take off my sunglasses, to look me in the eyes and try to level with me.