american beauty // joshler

40

tyler's point of view

"that's a big change, tyler."

i look down to the wooden floor of her office and speak my next words with a quiet hesitation.

"you think i shouldn't have done it?"

"i didn't say that. i'm not here to tell you what to do. i'm just wondering if this might be... a distraction."

"what do you mean?"

"tyler, in order to recover, you need to learn how to be okay alone. this is a big decision and i worry you made it out of fear, that you're feeling the need to sort of guarantee his place in your life.

"i think you're scared you're going to get better and be too boring, or that you're waiting for the rug to be pulled and for him to leave. we touched on that last time, yes? your fear of people not liking you once you're better?"

i let what she's said soak in. this is our fifth time meeting, but our first since josh and i have moved into our new place. she's known me for about a two months now and the fact that she can already read me better than i can read myself is a tiny bit scary.

"i love him."

"i didn't say you didn't." she looks at me through her thin framed glasses, her expression something i can't decode. maybe sympathy, maybe something else. she's too good at this.

she continues, "i think that josh is good for you. i also think you need to work on being alone. it's easy to become codependent, especially when you're going through such a vulnerable period of healing."

"how do i... not? i don't want to mess this up, any of it. i want to do it right. i mean, i don't want him to leave, but i don't want the only reason he stays to be that he feels like he has to."

"do you believe that josh loves you? really loves you?"

i think about it, about the time we've known each other, about every time he's answered the phone, every time he's shown up for me. i think about how if i was asked this question about anyone else, it would be an almost immediate no. and it's slightly uncomfortable to face that this isn't.

"i do."

i never thought i'd be able to accept that answer, that i'd be able to admit that someone loves me and i love them back, soul-crushingly so.

"then let him. quit pushing. you pull back when you feel scared, when you feel yourself getting comfortable. he's right. you deserve to be loved. it's okay to be happy."

"but what if-"

"you'll drown in what-if's, tyler. they'll suffocate you. don't let them pull you down."

-

when i get home, josh is unpacking a box of books in the living room, probably putting them in alphabetical order on the shelf. we just moved in a few days ago and i've learned since that he keeps his vinyls, movies, and evidently, books, sorted alphabetically. it's adorable and makes me feel soft and warm like tea with honey every time i discover some new, domestic detail about him.

he looks up from what he's doing with a smile. "hey, ty. how was your session today?"

"are you going to leave me if i get better and it makes me boring?" is my immediate response.

i'd planned on bringing it up slowly when i thought about how to ask on the ride back here. that plan was apparently abandoned by my anxious instincts.

josh stands up, leaving the box he was digging through on the floor, and walks over to me. he looks like he was expecting me to ask this sooner or later.