american beauty // joshler

36

tyler's point of view

the door closing behind brendon acts as a sort of punctuation on our friendship. it feels very... final.

the silence of my empty house swallows me whole and i feel my chest collapse in on itself, like i'm being chased by an avalanche and running out of air.

i fall to my hands and knees on the floor, my breathing ragged as sobs tear through my throat.

that was the hardest thing i think i've ever done.

and now, i'm alone.

i have no friends, no family. i have no one, except josh. and i don't deserve him. he doesn't need me like i need him. he'll be done with me soon, i'm sure. he'll leave and i'll be even more alone, with not even brendon as my bungee cord to keep me from splattering onto the concrete.

i begin to cry so hard i choke, unable to breathe or see or think about anything other than how much i can't stand myself. it's a full body pain that rings in my skull and drips out of my ears.

all i am is a burden. to everyone, including myself.

i can't calm down, can't figure out how to slow my breathing enough to remember how to think properly.

it's too much and i want to go to bed but i don't know if i can make it up the stairs.

i do my best to stand and drag my body like a suitcase up to the second floor anyway, one step at a time. my hand grips the railing tightly in an effort to keep me from falling. once i'm able to make it to my bed, i bury my face in my pillow and scream as loud as i can.

i throw it across the room when im done, the soft thump of its landing another punctuation to another sentence. all of life is just endings. everyone leaves, every day ends, every life ends with it all. nothing is permanent, so none of it matters.

i look to my bedside table. i think about the few things left hidden in there. i don't know why i kept any of it. now, i think i'm grateful. i don't know that i'm strong enough to do this without trying to numb it at least a little.

i use the last of my body strength to roll over and open the drawer and find one of the strongest things i can think of. perfect.

i feel everything i was working toward dissipate as i lie back down.

but it's okay.

in just a few minutes, it won't hurt anymore.

-

i open my eyes and the light much too bright. josh is standing over the bed, his expression worried and frantic.

his arms drop from my shoulders, no longer shaking me once he sees i'm awake.

"what the fuck, tyler? what happened? what did you do? are you okay?" he asks what feels like a million questions and i try to focus on each one, but it's no use.

"what..?"

"you didn't answer my calls or my texts and i got worried."

"shit. do we have work today?" i ask, still very much disoriented.

"no, i just-" he pauses and sighs, sitting at the edge of the bed next to me. "i wanted to see you. at first, i thought you were avoiding me and that maybe you just didn't want to see me again or i was annoying you."

it makes my heart break to hear him voice the same type of insecurities that i have. i've been doing my best not to ask for his company before he offers it, just because i don't want to seem too needy. so much for that i guess.