american beauty // joshler

39

josh's point of view

"i love you, tyler."

i look down at him while he processes my statement. i watch his brain digest the words carefully and attempt to come up with a reply. i know it's hard for him to say, but i know that when he did say it, he meant it. that's enough for me.

tyler pulls away and a small smile sets itself upon his lips. he kisses me once and then drops to his knees on the kitchen tile, bringing his hands up to to tug lightly at the waistband of my pants.

i'm definitely caught off guard by the action, but he waits until i nod to pull my pants down fully.

he looks up at me through a thick curtain of lashes as the fabric pools around my ankles and he whispers, "you're holy to me, j."

he pushes my underwear down slowly after that, leaving me exposed. i stare down at him with wide eyes as he takes me into his mouth, still somewhat in shock.

he moves his head, forward and back, able to fit almost all of me into his mouth when the tip hits the back of his throat.

it's too much effort to keep my eyes open now and my head falls back to face to ceiling. a groan i'd tried to stifle slips past my lips and i hear him whimper from below me. it seems to encourage him,
because he begins to move a bit faster.

one of my hands is gripping the counter i'm leaning on. i look back down at him, with his now glossed over eyes and pink cheeks, and bring my other hand to his hair. i make no move to push him, i just leave it there to have some sort of extra contact with him.

he hums quietly at the feeling. i've always thought having a vocal partner was nice, mostly so i'll have a better gauge of if i'm doing alright, but the sounds tyler makes even when i'm not touching him at all, with his lips stretched around me, are ungodly, and i won't last very long if he continues.

he works down the shaft, then comes back up to focus on the tip. i feel his eyes on me, but when i look down to meet them, my hand pulling just barely at his hair, they fall shut again. he makes another sinful sound, leaning into my hand. i test the waters, tugging a little harder at his hair this time and his once steady pace falters with another muffled moan. he becomes sloppier at that, moving faster and letting me hit the back of his throat repeatedly.

when i get closer to my finish, i try to tell him through panted words to stop or pull away if he doesn't want me to finish in his mouth, but he stays put, seeming eager to keep me there. when i do reach my climax, i hear myself groan again and tyler hums around me, swallowing every last drop before helping me pull my underwear and pants back up.

i help him back to his feet and he blushes, looking down at the floor while i try to catch my breath.

"thank you," is the first thing i say. i add, "do you, um... can i do anything for you?" i bring my hands to his hips just to keep him close, leaving a kiss on his forehead.

he giggles a little and shakes his head. "no, i was just showing my gratitude and love for you," he says. he brings his hands to my shoulders and squeezes lightly. "but thank you for offering."

i pull him even closer to me and lean my forehead against his, my eyes closed.

"ty, why won't you be my boyfriend?"

i know he probably did what he did as a means to show that he does love me, but i can't help but wonder if he'll ever say it again, or if he'll only show it through actions and when we're alone.

i see his face fall a little and he tries to mask it when he speaks, "just less messy this way. when things go bad, there will be less strings attached to cut through, you know?" he offers me a sad smile, barely there and not meeting his eyes.

"why do things have to go bad then?"

"they always do for me, joshua. that's just how it is." he shrugs a bit.

"you're going to therapy now. you're trying to stay sober. you're still working but you're taking care of yourself, you're getting better at communicating. you're changing. you don't think patterns like that can too?"

he thinks on this for a moment, his eyes leaving mine again to look at his socks.

"maybe."

i worry that one day, i'll push too far and he'll leave. i worry that the switch will flip and he'll lash out and call me pathetic or too needy and say he never wants to see me again. but i have to try.

"i know it's hard to let go of things like that, and i know you're still learning, but i can be there for that. i can be there for you. i can drive us to shoots and you can wear my t-shirts. i can make us dinner in the evenings and you can make your weird smoothies in the morning. we could do this together, tyler. it's our time now, if you want it to be."

"josh..."

"you don't have to punish yourself anymore, ty. you deserve happiness. you may think you're the exception to a lot of rules, baby, but you deserve to be loved, just like everybody else."

he leans into my chest so i can't see him anymore, then takes a deep breath.

"i have to sell my house."

this obviously isn't the response i was expecting.

"what..?"

"i don't want to live there anymore. i want to sell it. i want to buy a new one, and it might be too soon to say, but i want you to come with me." he stays hidden in my shirt, likely in an effort to avoid embarrassment on the chance that i'll say no.

in reality, i don't know what to say.

"oh. well-"

"you don't have to. it's fine." he pulls away and wipes hastily under his eyes, immediately shutting down. "i get it. i can go if you want."

"tyler, slow down, love. don't do that. i can't ask you to buy a whole new house just to-"

he interrupts me again, "that's not the only reason. i just... have too many memories there. i want a fresh start and i want you to be part of it. and as much as i love your apartment, i want a place that can be ours. not just yours, not just mine. besides, i have enough clothes to fill your entire bedroom i think, j." he gives me a more genuine smile this time, his eyes hopeful. "you don't have to pay for anything. i'll even buy out the lease here so you don't have to worry about that. you can have your own office to edit in and everything," he offers.

i let his words process. it's a risky move, definitely. and i was never really one to take risks at all in life before, but taking this job was a risk. tyler, and everything i've built with him, had an element of risk to it.

and seeing the look in his eyes and feeling that overwhelming warmth in my chest that blooms when he smiles at me, i don't have much choice but to think with my heart this time.

"okay."

(an: so... only 6 chapters left)