josh's point of view
i'm doing some editing at my kitchen table when i get a phone call.
when i see tyler's name on my phone, i answer immediately. after everything that happened this morning, i'm too scared to hesitate to pick up.
"hey, ty, you alright? it's kinda late," i say, confused and worried as to why he's calling.
"yeah, i'm sorry to, um, bother you. do you think you could come over for awhile?" his voice is soft and tired through the phone. "please?"
i can't bring myself to say no.
"i'll be there soon."
-
i show up to tyler's house and open the door. he told me it was unlocked and i find myself wondering if he leaves it unlocked frequently, which definitely isn't safe.
i lock it behind me and walk into the living room. tyler is sitting on the corner of the couch, leaning against the arm with his knees pulled up to his chest. he looks smaller. sad. vulnerable. it makes my heart clench and i feel my stomach drop.
i look up and notice that his tv is broken, which seems like some sort of metaphor for the scene as a whole.
"hey. are you okay?" i go to sit next to him on the couch. i leave a bit of space between us, but he closes the gap and moves to lean against me.
"i'm sorry for making you think i died, and for not talking to you. i'm not very good at being a friend," he says, the same soft tone coming through like it did over the phone. it's delicate, like if he spoke any louder, his voice would give out. "i don't really know how."
"you don't have to apologize." i move my arm from under him to wrap it carefully around his shoulders. he moves in even closer and i take a deep breath. "i know you don't have bad intentions. it's not your fault you don't know how to be, like, real friends, especially with someone like me. you've been in this business for awhile, you know? you're just used to the superficial."
"i don't want to be. i wasn't always this way."
"i know."
"what do you mean?" he looks up a little, his eyes red. whether it's from crying or the smell of weed that i noticed lingering when i came in, i couldn't say.
"no one has always been any way. and i told you, i'm pretty sure i see something in there that no one else does. you're still a person, tyler. you're just hiding it well."
he sits up a little more, no longer cuddled into my side. he rubs his eyes with his fists and then sighs. "the short answer is no."
"what?"
"i don't like modeling, for a lot of reasons."
i'm not sure if that's related to the state he's in or if he's changing the subject, but it's welcome.
"what reasons?" i press, just a bit, hoping he won't snap the box closed again.
"it's just all fake. it's posing and drugs and throwing up in the bathroom at the catered vogue party. it's the perfect walk for fashion week and who's wearing what and who's fucking who. celebrities, pictures, lights, glitter," he nods, a fresh tear slipping down his already tear-stained cheeks, "i ruined myself for this job. and i have everything i've ever wanted now. a nice house, a big tv, a pool, a giant, comfy bed with feather pillows, a designer silk robe, a balcony with the best view. i've seen the world, i've met my favorite actors, all my favorite singers. i've done everything and i have everything, but i have no one to share it with. so now what point is there?
"i think thats why it's so important to me to be your friend. you're real, josh. you're the realest person i've met while doing this. you have this nice boyfriend and a cute apartment and good friends like jayla. i guess part of me is hoping that if i get close enough, it'll rub off on me and i'll be able to have it someday. i'm just not very good at being close. even now, i feel like i'm going to throw up because i never open up like this. i feel you prying open the gate in my head with a fucking crowbar and i don't think i can stop it this time. i don't even know if i want to."
i process his words for a minute, staring at the bomb he's dropped in my lap. i can't believe he's finally opened up, that he said all of the things i think i already knew, hidden somewhere in the back of my mind.
"i think that's what makes you human, tyler. that, right there, makes you more real than ninety percent of the people in this whole state. you've just gotta let yourself be open." i take his hand in mine and squeeze it gently. "it's scary, but it gets easier. you're still in there. i promise."
"i don't know how to be that anymore, that's the problem. i haven't been just tyler in so long. i'm scared i'll never have a friend like you again, that i'll push too hard and you'll leave. then i'll close back up, which is exhausting, and it hurts. i just... i became such a strange shape from trying to fit in, you know? i don't... i don't recognize myself anymore. even if i wanted to be him again, i wouldn't know where to start. i don't like who i see in the magazines and pictures. he's not me. i don't know who that is."
"you're doing it right now," i tell him, brushing my thumb over his knuckles. i don't think too much about the action, about how personal and intimate all of this is. i can't. i don't have the capacity to right now.
he looks down at our hands and shakes his head. "it's different with you."
"i know."
that's a whole issue in itself, which i also don't have the time or space to go into yet. i don't have room for that guilt.
"let's just take it day by day, yeah?" he nods but doesn't look up yet. i go on, "for now, am i allowed to ask what you did to your tv?"
this gets him to raise his head, a small smile playing on his face, his eyes glossed over now as the tears dissipate slowly. "i always make such expensive mistakes, don't i, darling?"
(an: feels weird writing a chapter that's barely 1030 words after the chapters in the upper 2000's lately! this is a big one for their relationship though. tyler is very tired and scared and wants to be loved. josh feels guilty and conflicted but wants to love him [whether or not he knows about that last part is tbd]. happy friday!)
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american beauty // joshler
Fanfiction"all those dirty thoughts of me, they were never yours to keep." where tyler is a model and josh is a photographer. - a book of fall out boy references, some smut, a lot of mental illness, and drama. #22 in joshler 3/7/23 ♡