american beauty // joshler

44

tyler's point of view

i wake up in an ambulance with the worst headache i've ever experienced. everything is too bright and too loud. there's monitors beeping and people talking, including josh. he's holding his phone in one hand, and one of my hands in the other.

it didn't work.

i'm overwhelmed with emotions at the realization, flooded with guilt, shame, embarrassment, sadness, frustration, and something somewhere between regret and relief.

"j?" my voice is hoarse when i speak, my throat sore.

"and i-" his eyes widen and dart down to meet mine immediately. "i gotta go, he just woke up." he hangs up the phone before the person on the other end can say anything. "tyler, thank god." he brings my hand up to kiss it, his eyes filling with tears. "i was so worried about you."

"i'm sorry, i-"

"don't apologize. there's no need. i'm just glad you're here." his lips turn up into a small smile and it feels like a stake to my chest.

i didn't want it to go this way. i didn't want him to see me like this. i didn't want him to feel that way.

"we're almost to the hospital," the paramedic speaks up, a sympathetic look on her face. "they're going to have a lot more paperwork and some questions they'll need you to answer."

i nod.

i didn't want this.

-

when the doctors leave me to rest, josh and i are the only two left in the room.

"josh..." i start to say something, but i don't know what.

"tyler, i don't want to force you to talk about anything right now. don't worry about that yet." he takes my hand in his again, like if he's not touching me, i'll float away.

"i didn't want it to go this way. this wasn't supposed to happen," i voice the thoughts that have been looping through my head since i woke up.

"i couldn't leave you like that, ty. i couldn't just let you die. did you really expect me to not care?" he seems offended at the notion and it feels like there's no air left in the room.

"kind of," i admit. "i just figured it would be for the better. you wouldn't have to feel guilty about anything. you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. i don't think anyone else in the world really matters to me most of the time, but i didn't want to hurt you."

"it wouldn't be better for anyone. you don't think people would miss you? i know this whole damn city thinks it needs you, tyler, but not as much as i do. losing you would've been the hardest thing i would ever have to go through. i don't think i could have recovered from that. i can't believe you would think that about me." he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "i'm not mad at you. i just don't understand how you could feel that way. i'm sorry i let you down. i love you so much, ty. i'll spend the rest of our lives trying to prove that to you."

i feel tears begin to roll down my cheeks. my heart feels like it might burst and i don't know what else to say. the emotions of the conversation and the various types of drugs still taking their toll on my body make my eyelids heavy.

"i love you, josh." i squeeze his hand. "i wanted those to be my last words. i didn't think i had anything else worthwhile to say." a yawn interrupts me but i don't have the energy to be embarrassed. i continue, "i'm sorry. i'm... i'm so tired. i missed you, j. it was so cold without you."

he wipes a few of the tears away from my face with his free hand. "i know, ty. just get some rest, okay? we can talk more when you wake up."

"okay."

-

i hold his hand tightly as we walk through the doors. regina is filling out all the necessary paperwork for me, which i really appreciate.

"i don't want to forget how your voice sounds, j." i look up to him with tear-filled eyes.

"you won't. i'll call and visit every chance i get." he brings his other hand up to my cheek. "i'm so proud of you, ty. you're so brave."

"i don't feel brave."

"i know, angel. i know."

-

the scrubs are softer than i expected. the socks remind me of the internet jokes made about them and i can't tell if that should make me laugh or cry.

there are several other people on the floor i was assigned to, but none of them know who i am.

there's no phones, no news, no social media, no magazines. it's... refreshing. i'm not model-influencer-socialite tyler joseph. i'm just... tyler.

i don't have to worry about work or publicity or anything else.

i can focus on recovery. i'm forced to. i have nothing else to do.

but i started to miss josh the second i stepped into the elevator.

the mattress (if it can be called that) that i'm meant to sleep on feels like concrete compared my bed at home, the one with him in it.

and i've talked to him on the phone a couple times, but he's not allowed to visit until the weekend.

for now, i'm going to my appointment with the therapist here. i miss leslie, too. it's been hard for me to open up all over again, but it's still easier than i thought it would be. there's no place for me to put my walls up anymore.

"so, tyler, how are you finding things?" she asks. she has a smile on her face and several bracelets jingling on her wrist as she taps her pen against a stack of papers in front of her.

"fine, i guess. i miss home." i shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"that's normal. it's only been a couple days though, right? you've got time to adjust. i know it's a pretty big change, but our only goal is to help you."

"i know. my only goal is to get better... preferably as soon as possible."

"this isn't really something you can rush. you should be more patient with yourself. these things can take time."

"well, i said i'd try. that's what i promised him. i owe him that."

"i think you owe yourself that, tyler."

"yeah. maybe you're right."

(an: AH sorry this is barely edited so don't judge me i've been Going Thru It Lately but one chapter left!)