american beauty // joshler

16

tyler's point of view

a couple hours later, josh is driving me home, music playing softly through his speakers.

his phone rings and i jump a bit, startled by the sound.

"sorry." he glances down to see who it is and then picks it up, keeping one hand on the wheel, "hey, baby, what's up?"

the boyfriend.

i hear talking on the other line and grow nauseous. suddenly, the car is too hot and too cold all at once and i'm glad we're almost there.

"no, i'm not doing anything. i already ate, but i could come over anyways if you want," he tells him.

we pass the billboard i'm on and my stomach is twisting itself into knots, wringing itself tightly into a loop of guilt and a sad sense of jealousy.

"i know. i still like spending time with you though. i can grab some clothes and my work stuff and be over soon, yeah?" he pauses while the other person says something else. "alright. i love you too." he hangs up and places his phone in the cupholder so he can bring his other hand back up to the steering wheel, which he grips tightly, knuckles turning white at the pressure. "sorry," he apologizes to me and i want to cry.

"no worries."

-

as soon as i'm inside, i feel a few tears fall down my cheeks. i wipe them away and shake my head. this is pointless. i'm so stupid. why am i upset? there's nothing to be upset about.

i need a distraction.

i look around my house, hoping to find something, anything to find anything to keep my mind away.

i eventually decide to do some self-care. might as well attempt something healthy before turning to some sort of substance. i go to my bathroom upstairs and start the water for a bath. i even add a bath bomb. it smells like gardenias and lavender and it gives the water a pink tint, which is quite satisfying. while the water fills the tub, i shave and apply a face mask. i'm pulling all the stops tonight.

when i get settled in the bath, i do some retail therapy and buy some clothes and a few things for around the house. after that, i call brendon. if my memory serves correctly, tonight is one of his off nights.

"hey, baby. how are you? been a couple days," he answers quickly.

"i'm okay." i smile a little at the sound of his voice, already much calmer than i was before. "just in the bath. how are you?"

"yeah? that sounds nice. i'm doing alright. resting before the next show tomorrow night. wish i could be there with you instead."

"i know, me too. it's okay, it'll go by faster than we think. it always does."

we talk for awhile, until my bath goes cold and my fingertips have wrinkled. we
say our goodbye's and i love you's before hanging up.

after that, i wash my face and get dressed, throwing on one of brendon's t-shirts and a pair of his boxers. i lay down in my bed then, deciding to make an attempt at watching a movie.

but nothing is enough.

i've tried it the good way, now i need something else. something stronger.

so i call brendon's dealer. i hate having to bother him, usually i would ask brendon to do it for me. i hate when he's on tour. i think my codependency is so thick that it's tangible.

"hey, sweets, what's up? brendon busy?" he asks.

"yeah, he's on tour. i was, um, hoping you had something for me?"