american beauty // joshler

42

tyler's point of view

it's been a few months since josh and i have started living together.

a few months of learning to trust, to share a space, to be in a relationship. it hasn't all been easy, but now it feels like the most simple thing in the world. it feels right and good.

and it feels like i don't deserve it.

the looming dread that comes with knowing he'll be tired of me soon, that he'll leave, has returned, stronger than before. i'd almost forgotten it existed.

almost.

but it was still there, waiting for me at my bedside all along. and it seems to have snuck it's way back in through my mouth while i slept.

i knew it was coming. i knew that this was too good to be true, too good to last so long.

i have my headphones in while i reflect on this, sitting silently with my head against the cool window as steven drives me to my appointment.

we get there early, so i sit in the waiting room, scrolling on my phone. i decide to do something i haven't in awhile, something i definitely shouldn't do.

i search my name on twitter.

i see fans of brendon talking about me, wondering why we haven't been seen together in awhile. apparently he's been closer with some girl i've never heard of, a yoga influencer or something. she's beautiful. i see some upset by this, some happy.

user1234: idk why everyone's bothering to ask abt tyler?? brendon seems happier w/o him. yall are weird. 😭

user5678: actually kinda worried about tyler :/ i wonder if smth happened bc they've been together/friends forever and he's kinda disappeared from his socials

i scroll further and see something else i wasn't expecting.

pictures of me with josh.

user9101: OMG ??? does anyone know who this guy is w ty ???? are they together??? omgomgomg

user1121: tylerrjoseph new bf reveal challenge

user3141: he looks like shit lmfao that guy is so much hotter than him like 😭 go back to breadbox urine im dead 💀

there are so many mixed comments about me, about josh, about brendon, about my relationships with both of them. i've gained weight, i've lost weight, i'm a whore, i'm boring, i'm ugly. i scroll through all of it until my stomach hurts, only stopping when i'm called back to leslie's office.

"so, how are you today, tyler?"

"bad."

"why's that? did something happen at home?"

"no." i look down at my shoes, wishing i was smaller. "not really."

"not really? would you mind elaborating?"

i sigh. "nothing's happened yet. but it will. it always does."

"how do you know that?"

"i just do."

"hm. what exactly do you think is going to happen then?"

"he'll leave. he'll get tired of dealing with all my shit and he'll go. he'll realize that i'm not... good," i explain this as if it's obvious, because to me, it is.

"alright, let's unpack that. what shit is he dealing with?"

"me. all of this. my baggage. all of my issues."