Unshed Blood | Criminal Minds

chapter one - loss

- CHAPTER ONE -

SOREN

Loss.

The true definition of 'loss' is the fact or process of loosing something or someone.

Loss has always been apart of my life. In fact, it's apart of everyone's life, people live, and they die. It the circle of life, people can pray and try to hope for something better in the end...we all die. There is no preventing it.

Honestly, I can understand why people want to believe in something better but growing up my parents always taught me that death was apart of life and there was no stopping it.

You just have to suck it up.

It's not the loss that destroys a person, it's the grief after. That's what I choose to believe. Grief – intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death – is the hardest part of it all. Apparently, there are five stages of grief. Denial is the first one, the person will do everything they possibly can to try and deny the fact that their loved one is dead. Next is anger, anger against those around them, whether they choose to pent that anger or not is a different story. Then there is bargaining, trying to swap the places of those who died. Then depression. And finally...acceptance. When the person finally accepts and comes to terms with what happened.

So, sitting here, staring down at the sheet of paper in my hands while my mother lays in the coffin in front of me, I feel in denial. But I also feel so pissed that I wasn't there in her final moments all because of a small fight. And now, I'm paying the price.

My hands become even sweatier, and my eyes wet with tears but I don't let them fall. I won't allow everyone to see my weak, that's what my father always taught me. Never show weakness, or else they use it against you. My older sister – Sybil – sits in the front row of chairs, her hands are folded in her lap, and she is staring at the ground as tears run down her cheeks, she always shows her weaknesses.

I take in a deep breath, preparing myself for the speech I am about to give, "I don't really know how to start this...so I guess I'm just going to start from the beginning. Most of you will know my mother as being kind and considerate, but I knew her as being the toughest person known to man. She always kept things real and reminded me of how strong I am...I guess i'll miss having her encouraging words in my ear. I'm still confused about what happened, but I just know that she is looking down on all of us and reminding us all to be strong." I take in another deep breath, finishing off my speech. "I'll miss you, mom."

I fold up the small piece of paper again, returning to my seat beside Sybil who is now shaking with tears, her entire body trembling. Looking at her now, I know what stage of grief I am in. it's not anger, its denial. I have this insane belief in my head that I am going to go home, walk through the front door and enter the kitchen to see my mom making her signature chocolate chip cookies.

She leans against my shoulder, sobbing loudly as I wrap my arm around her shoulder, shushing her. "It's okay, Sybil. Just take some deep breaths." I know my advice is awful, but I have no clue what else to say though. I was always young whenever someone my family knew, or a relative would die so I don't know how to comfort someone in a situation as raw as this.

We finish up the funeral, finally burying our mother as I head back home. I live in a small apartment on my own, but I rarely ever spend any time there. I work two jobs, one of them is a part time one at a small bakery in the middle of time and my full-time job is a mechanic. My father taught me everything I needed to know about cars, so I happened to love them when I was a kid, it seemed only natural for me to take over a small business that was on the edge of closing. Now, I have been running it on my own for a few years now.

Slipping off my shoes, I shower and get dress for bed before getting under my duvet and putting on a feel, preparing to go to sleep. Today feels like one big nightmare, just one bad thing after another and yet I still haven't had the time to process any of it.