Lies in the Past (Alimentation Series #2)

Chapter 36

I don't want to talk about anything. It's funny because even though I'm already having a hard time handling my own problem, I still don't want to drag other people in my misery. I refused them to know what's going on with me. I don't want the closest people to know that I'm weak. Ayaw kong makita nila na nahihirapan na ako.

Tulala ako habang nasa loob ng kwarto ko. Honestly, I don't really know what to do now. Hindi ko rin alam kung masyado ba akong nagpabaya kaya maraming subjects ang naibagsak ko.

Masyado ba akong napanatag na makakapasa ako? Palagi naman akong nag-aaral. Lahat ng plates and other activities ay naipapasa ko on time. Hindi lang ako masyadong confident kapag sumasagot sa mga recitation, pero dahil lang ba roon?

Ang hirap naman isipin kung saang banda ako may pagkakamali. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba 'yong naging kulang ako.

Alam ni Shakeera na bagsak ako. Pero sinabi ko sa kaniya na kami na lang ang makakaalam doon. Hindi niya puwedeng sabihin kay Macy, at lalo na kay Harminder. Wala siyang puwedeng pagsabihan. It's just a secret between us.

When Harminder finds out that I failed, how will he feel about me? Will he feel sorry for me? Madidismaya siya? Tuwing may oras, sabay kaming nag-aaral. Lagi kong pinalalakas ang loob niya para magpatuloy pa siya tapos ako naman pala itong babagsak sa huli.

I know he's still trying to move on from what happened to his friends and it was not easy to do so. If he finds out what happened to me, he might even sympathize with my stress. All I want for him is his happiness. Ayaw kong madamay siya sa mga problema ko.

Ayaw kong lumabas sa kuwarto ko. I'm sure when I go out, I will see my mother again. I will see her drinking on the terrace while silently crying and swearing my father. I'm sure her situation will make me suffer again. Parang gusto ko na munang magpahinga at humiga maghapon sa malambot kong kama.

I recieved a lot of messages. But I refused to answer them. Binabasa ko lamang iyon.

Tita Rein:

Sweetie, let's have lunch together.

I hate how she's making me feel so guilty about something. A simple kindness is too much to handle. I don't want to hate Tita Rein. But if I continue to be close to her while thinking that she had sex with my father while he was married to my mother, my mind goes blank.

Hindi ko siya kayang kausapin at pakisamahan dahil parang ako ang nasasaktan para sa Mommy ko.

Harminder:

Hi po. Good morning. Are you awake?

Kaninang umagang-umaga pa 'yon pero hindi ko binasa, ngayon lang.

Harminder:

Hi. Is my love busy?

Why is she not replying? I missed her so much.

Kinagat ko ang kuko ko habang patuloy na nagbabasa ng mensahe galing sa kaniya.

Harminder:

May nagawa ba akong mali? Should I start to overthink malala?

I don't understand why it feels so painful to read his messages even though it's just that. I can no longer control my emotions properly. Iyong feeling na just a little touching message from another person makes me cry immediately.

Harminder:

I'll wait for the reply. No matter how longer it takes. I love you.

I typed a reply.

Ako:

I got busy. Tell Tita Rein that I can't have lunch with her. I'm sorry.

Ilang oras na ang nakalipas simula noong sunod-sunod ang text niya kanina, tapos ngayon lang ako nakapag reply.