Unrequited | SB19 Stell [SB19 Series #3]

22

Mhai’s POV

“I hope someday, he’ll get the girl of his dreams. Even if it’s not me. I still love you….Lester,” I said as I strummed the first chords of Tilaluha.

I stared at the setting sun, casting an orange tinge on the faces of my audience. They looked at me serenely, expectantly.

I just announced my unrequited love out loud. To a bunch of strangers.

Wowie.

Somehow, it felt right. It felt like the perfect moment to acknowledge what I feel. For so long, I have cooped up my emotions, never revealing what I feel inside. I have lied to others- telling them that I was okay, telling them that I have nothing going on with my life, when in fact, I was hurting like crazy.

And that I was madly in love with the person that I can't have in this life.

Sa tuwing ika’y nakikita

Di mapigil ang luha sa aking mata

I recalled that day when Lester told me he was going to court Angel. Sana all nililigawan. My heart would break everytime I see him. Training at ShowBT was brutal with both of them around. Kung totoo man na di gusto ni Angel si Lester, she sure as hell did not show it. She acted like she was in love with him too. Somehow, that hurt me more. Seeing them acting all sweet made my heart hurt.

Pa’no nga ba? Pa’no nga ba?

Pa’no nga bang limutin ka?

Kung sa puso ko ika’y nag iisa

Amidst all the pain that I’m feeling, I still can’t help but love him. How do I forget a love that started since I was thirteen? For so long, I have yearned for him. It’s like my heart had already forgotten how to reset. My heart already had a mind of its own. My heart only knows one person. My heart will continue to love one person.

Pa’no nga ba mapapawi, labis na pagdurusa?

Kung wala mang pag-asa

It’s like whatever I do, I can’t seem to get him off my mind. I tried quitting ShowBT. I worked somewhere else, I tried to forget performing, just to clear off the memories that I have with him.

It was all in vain though. Everytime I come home, he’s all I think about. Every corner of my house had memories with him. The streets where I walk every day had memories of him. Moving on from Lester sounded hopeless.

Turuan mo naman akong limutin ka

Forgetting him was far-fetched, moonshot.

But, now, as I was singing Lester’s favorite song, I realized that maybe, it’s not so bad to keep him in my heart. After all, he’s my best friend.

I guess what I should be letting go was the idea of him being mine. I should let go of the expectations that time heals all wounds- sometimes, they don’t. Or the expectation that distance eases your feelings for someone- sometimes, they just grow stronger.

For the longest time, everything revolved around Lester- the frequent trips to his old school in STI because he was studying college there even though I studied elsewhere, always going with him whenever he had contests with Se-eon. I had dropped my extracurricular activities because I made time to see him always. Even when I had doubts about auditioning for ShowBT, I auditioned because he was auditioning. I felt like I was a robot. If Lester tells me to jump, I’d jump.

Having my heart broken was an eye opener. I realized that I had to decide for my own self, I had to stand up on my own. I have to face life on my own. If I keep on deciding based on Lester’s decisions, when will I ever get to decide for myself?