The Pieces of Me

Moving out

I felt the pain coming before it actually hit and it hurt worse than id thought, the rough callouses of her hands burning against my cheek

"Mom" I screamed "Mom please, im sorry ....im sorry" i cried out my throat aching from the strain.

"Next time you'll act differently then. Your respect is required!" She spat out, the smell of whiskey scorching my senses, as she hit me one last time.

I stumbled up to my bedroom the pain in my face now blurring my vision as tears filled my eyes. Looking in my mirror I could already see a bruise forming. The young man looking back at me but a shell of a human, blues eyes empty of feeling, my brown hair now grown out and messy, curling down around my ears and eyes, the strong jawline now adorned with bruises and scars. I felt my face burn once more before going numb as I let the tears fall.

I shot up out of bed with tears streaming down my face, the rays of faint light from the sun rising breaking through my curtains. Still feeling exhausted but dead set on not going back to sleep I climbed out of bed and walked to my bathroom.

I haven't slept a full night in weeks, I usually get some sort of relief from these memories during the day but never at night. My dark brown long hair, slim face, and hazel eyes replacing the manly features of Garrett in the mirror.

Even when the memories aren't present that name haunts me. It's almost if I can still hear his mother yelling to him. Or his brothers voice breaking as he cries to him.

I've never understood the memories, where they came from, why I had them. But I've learned to accept them. Even grown attached to certain aspects of the life I've lived through them. It's almost as if I'm watching a movie, except the finale never comes, I spend so much of my time living someone else's story, I have no choice but to develop connections to parts of it. Sometimes it's like I'm remembering something from when he was young, but sometimes it's like I'm living his present life with him.

I walked back to my room, the plants sitting around the only way to tell someone lived here anymore. The rest of my stuff all packed in boxes, my bed bare of any sheets simply a pillow and blanket I need to re-pack.

I look at my phone and the time reads 6:27. And yes I know "That's not that early!", "I wake up earlier every day!" but I am most definitely a princess because I need my sleep you guys, honestly a bear might be the better term for it.

The movers will be here today, and I'm so not ready to leave. This is really the only home I've ever known, technically we moved to LA when I was 2 but I don't have memories from before then, it's like I've got so many of his that there's just no more room for mine. We're not moving very far, just up to Oakland. My dad's a realtor and has a lot of opportunities for growth up there.

My phone rings breaking me out of my thoughts, but I already know who it is cause there's only one person who'd call me this early.

"Good morning Maya, what do you need?" I ask, already expecting a slew of "I'll miss you"s.

"Lily, how can you be so calm! I can't believe you're leaving me today!" She replies, "What am I even going to do when you're gone?"

"Knowing you, you'll be calling me non stop for the next two weeks" I say, chuckling.

"You bet your butt I will, anyways I'm on my way over to help you finish packing up so I'll see you in a bit"

"Sounds great Maya, I'll be waiting" I say, "I will miss you too though, in case you hadn't realized"

"Of course I know that!" She says as if she thinks I'm crazy for inferring that she didn't."How'd you sleep last night Lily? I know it's been really bad lately."

Maya has been my best friend since we were 13. So she was there when I first got the flashbacks and has been here for every one since.

"The worst it's been all week really, " I say, "his mom was hitting him again, and those are always the worst ones" tears now beginning to resurface, I remember these things through his eyes, so I remember the pain and how he felt.

"I'm so sorry Lily, that sucks" I can hear her sadness through the phone, " I'll get you some coffee on the way, see you in a few minutes"

"See ya" I say right before she hangs up.
Deciding if she's coming over i should probably get dressed. I left out an outfit for today, a thin tan sweatshirt and light blue skinny jeans, the autumn chill is coming in and I get cold so easily. I slip into my clothes and go back into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup.

As soon as I'm done I hear the front door open and Maya make her way up the stairs to my bedroom. She comes in and I'm sitting on my floor, I've decided to give up today, maybe the coffee she got me will help... I'm a better person with coffee.

~~~~

After drinking my coffee and spending way to much time gossiping with Maya instead of packing, we finally got all my boxes down to the foyer by the front door.

On the kitchen counter is some orange juice and donuts. Mom didn't want to make breakfast and have to clean it up before we left.

"Hey Mrs. A." Maya says to my mother as she comes in to us shoving food in our mouths.

"Hi Maya, what are you doing here?" My mom says, grinning.

"Only being the best, best friend anyone could ever ask for and helping your lovely daughter pack" she retorts, smiling widely at my mom.

Mom has always loved Maya, and on many occasions joked about taking her with us and adopting her, even though both her parents are in the picture and she lives a suburban life with them and her two little brothers. It was always nice to have Maya and her brothers in my life since I didn't have any siblings of my own.

After we all eat it's about 10:30 a.m. and I hear the moving trucks pull in.

~~~~

It took us about 3 hours to load all our stuff up and it was finally time to go.

"I'm gonna miss you so much!" Maya yells as she pulls me into a bone crushing hug.

"Ya well your gonna miss me even more if you kill me by suffocation!" I breath out as she continues crushing me.

I act like I'm not sad about moving but I guess it's just my way of coping. If I allowed myself to sit in the hurt about every part of my life I'd never get anything done, I'd never move forward with anything. The truth is I'm gonna miss my home so much, but I spend so much time in his, it's like I'm only losing half of my home. It used to scare me that I had a whole other life I watched through my eyes, but I've grown to find comfort in it, familiarity in his bedroom, the smell of his cologne, those things are what attach me to him.

After countless goodbyes to Maya and a last walk through of the house and my room we get in the car and Maya gets in hers. Driving away and looking back at what used to be my house I finally let my feelings out and the tears begin to silently fall.

~~~~~
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