The Pieces of Me

Shower

I climbed into the shower, turning the heat up until it would nearly scorch my skin. Trying to collect my thoughts and calm myself down before Maya got here.

I'm so grateful to have such a great friend as Maya. Shes been by my side for everything. And I couldn't be happier to call her my best friend. I allowed the hot water to rush over me, finally starting to relax before getting sucked back into Garretts world.

The hot water hit my body causing the bruises across it to clench and sting in pain. I look down at my abdomen, the coloring spread across from right under my pecks down to my v line. Blood vessels burst causing red spotting.

In a normal scenario my mother would never be able to cause that much damage but this week has been far from normal. The anniversary of Dads death is next week and it's been the worst it's ever been. Moms anger now at record levels. I couldn't stand to ever fight back with her so she often caused more pain than one would imagine such a frail woman could. This morning I woke up to my door swinging open, my mother already intoxicated and ready to take the sadness and anger out on me once again.

This time carrying with her Dad's college football trophy. He had been somewhat of a star before he left the game behind him for my mom, to start a family. It's what made him so happy that I took after him, carrying on his legacy. Before I even was awake enough to retaliate or at least try to block some of the force. The trophy came swinging down and hit me right in the stomach. As I rolled over in pain it hit once again against my thigh. My screams now audible as tears swelled in my eyes.

Cole came rushing in the room, tearing the trophy from her grasps. Before holding her tightly in his arms and whispering. "It's okay, he's not dad, he didn't hurt you, I'm here for you" until she settled enough to carry herself out of my room.

Cole got a lot of his looks from our mother. But I'm the spitting image of my father. Everytime I look in the mirror I see him staring back at me. An endless and ongoing reminder of the pain.

I look down once again still caught in the hot stream of the shower to see the bruise on my thigh. Once again recognizing that the pain will never cease. I may eventually come to terms with my father's death, but I will never live it down.

My father died in a car accident on the way home from one of my football games. It was pouring rain outside and I was so mad at myself for losing and for everything leading up to it I started taking it out on my father. He was trying to tell me it wasnt my fault and that I'd play better next year, and told me about all the great things I've done for the team. But it didn't matter it was play offs and we'd lost, as captain I took full responsibility. I started yelling at him, telling him to shut up, and he turned to me once again to comfort me, missing the drunk driver coming towards us on the wrong side of the road , we got hit head on, the driver's side of our car colliding with the passenger side of the other, killing dad on impact and leaving me with nothing but a scratch.

From that day forward I blamed myself, and so did my mother.

What the hell? I thought to myself when I returned to my own bathroom and left behind Garretts. For one, I had a current day dream, while not asleep? To be honest nothing should surprise me at this point. Everythings been changing I should really be prepared for anything to be thrown at me by now. And two I have never, and I mean never seen Garrett like that. I've seen him broken, I've seen him happy, but never naked!

That will forever be a moment I keep to myself. I don't need a repeat of last year. The first time I ever saw Garret shirtless I told Maya and she freaked, asking me all these questions about it as if he was a real person we could fan girl over.

Sometimes I don't even know how to react myself. I don't even know what Garrett is really so trying to decifer how to feel about his life or my memories of it is so hard.

I've learned to kind of detatch myself. Hoping if I compartmentalize I can focus on the regular parts of my life. And maybe lead somewhat of a regular life. If you couldn't tell by now, I'm not doing a very good job of it. No part of my life is normal.

~~~~

I heard Mayas voice yell up the stairs and I launched myself down them racing into her arms and hugging her tightly.

"We so need to talk!" I say grabbing her hand and her bag and dragging her upstairs behind me.

I went through everything once again, the park, the shower (minus the naked part), plus learning more about Garretts mom and dad. I know a lot but it's not like I've been there for every part of his life, just bits a pieces. I've pieced a lot together but definitely not everything. I could tell after his father's death that he felt responsible but I never knew why until today. Nor why his mother was so angry and hurt by him. I always just assumed the grief had taken her and she let her feelings out on Garrett.

Maya didn't say a word just hugged me tight. After a couple minutes she broke the silence."We definitely need to get you out of this house, and out of this depressing feeling!"

After texting Stella and finding out there was a party at some football guys house tomorrow we had set our plans, and decided we'd just go out to eat tonight.

We searched up local places and decided on one before getting in my car and driving through the neighborhood to get to the restaurant.

Maya decided to drive stating I wasn't a safe driver right now with how often the memories are coming and going. So here I am sitting in passenger looking out at the houses, my stomach grumbling, ugh I'm so hungry. I was about to turn away from the window and change the music when something caught my eye.

"Stop the car!"

~~~~~
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What do you think she saw?