Seventeen year old Safaya Bennett must navigate young adulthood under the stresses of her sins, her crumbling relationship with her twin sister, Rue, and a crippling mental disorder that makes her very dependent on her relationship with Nate Jacobs...
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Memories of my father's funeral flooded my brain, the mere thought of it making my stomach twist in knots.
"I...I remember a couple of days before you passed away...you told me...that if I ever wanted to be with you all I'd have to do is close my eyes and we'd be together. You said that memories exist outside of time."
Seeing the actress playing me, recite my words, had put my mind into an odd state of calm. I had accepted my father's death years ago and while it still stung, I knew he wasn't suffering anymore. I knew he was wherever good people go once they die. While I had been more accepting of my current situation, Safaya wasn't. She had nightmares for months following his death, calling out for him thinking that he would save her from the monsters inside her mind. She talked about him in the present tense for the first year of him being gone, getting upset when someone said he "was" something or what he "did". Safaya hated the past tense because then she would have to admit he was gone ... forever.
When she had to accept the truth, that's when drugs came into play, that is what was able to save her from a complete mental breakdown.
My sister watched the actresses playing Cassie and Maddy on stage, her heart lurching at hearing Maddy's character cry because of her parents. The stress and trauma of it all was overwhelming and Maddy lived with Cassie and Lexi for a few months. Cassie was supposed to be Maddy's best friend, her confidant, and Cassie threw it away for a boy who never truly cared about her. Safaya couldn't help but feel shitty. She aided in Nate cheating on Maddy, she was the other woman regardless of how many breaks they went on. Saf contributed in hurting someone she grew to love. She felt sick even though they had grown past those transgressions.
The door behind the auditorium seats slammed, Safaya turned to see blonde hair making her way out of the theater. She realized she wasn't the only one affected by the play and even though she still hated the pain she caused her. A part of her felt bad for Cassie, a part of her was able to still feel compassion for the person that broke her heart.
As the play progressed, so many things began to come to light that Safaya expected. The truth of her sneaking around with Nate was on full display, tears pricking her eyes as she silently prayed that Maddy wouldn't hate her all over again. A hand grazed hers, squeezing it gently and making her body feel like it was on fire. Saf looked down, Nate's large hand caressing hers and she didn't have the strength to pull it away. She was frozen in the fear and anxiety that had been plaguing her for 3 days. She knew something was off when her period was late. A looming reminder of what just happened to her only a couple months ago.
The play was transitioning into a large group scene, men dressed in golden spandex shorts and wrestling uniforms. Ethan, who was playing Nate, had a huge smile on his face while he began working out with the other guys. Everything was noticeably sexual and everyone knew who the play was about, which sent shockwaves through my sisters body. Nate's face was expressionless, hardened with frustration and anger just waiting to burst through this body. He felt on top of the world with his father being arrested and now this, this was a reminder that he was not untouchable.
It was a hard pill to swallow.
Nate took his hand from Safaya's, fists balling on his lap as his breathing staggered. It probably didn't help that I was laughing and cheering along with everyone else. Nate and I had our own complicated history and I knew how to hit him where it hurt, I didn't realize that's what I had been doing now. In his anger, he grabbed Safaya's hand roughly.
"Get up, let's go." He demanded, not leaving room for discussion. He pulled her from her seat and dragged her next to him.
Safaya had no choice or argument in the matter. She knew why he was pissed and couldn't help but brace for the impact that she knew she was going to suffer. She mentally prepared herself to fight verbally and physically. She knew Nate long enough to know that him balling his fists was not an empty threat. Truth is my sister was tired of pretending and every fiber in her being felt like it was up in flames. She was dealing with her own shit and didn't have enough space to deal with Nate's as well.
"Nate!" She called out, trying to stop him and hopefully get him to go back in and relax.
The tall boy was fuming, walking down the dark halls in aggravation. "That shit is so fuckin' homophobic."
"Homophobic?" Safaya stopped dead in her tracks. "Okay I understand you being upset for being outed in front of all of those people, but, let's be fucking for real here. You're homophobic, Nate."
Nate turned around swiftly, about to raise his hand when he remembered there were cameras all in the halls. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't say things like that." He growled. "That's your friend up there embarrassing me and you're okay with that?"
"How was I supposed to know she wrote that in?!" Safaya fumed, crossing her arms. "Everything she has in that play is true and that's what you're mad about. It doesn't paint me in the best light either, Nate." My sister argued, watching as Nate stalked closer towards her.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to keep his anger at bay. "So then why would you want to keep watching that shit, huh? She was talking about your dads funeral and the letter your sister read. Why aren't you upset?"
"Because I owned up to my shit, Nate!" She stepped away from him, his presence screaming danger. "I fucked up so badly in the past and I've healed and continue to heal. The reason why this play bothers you so much is because you haven't accepted who you are. You're pretending that everything is fine when you're crumbling inside. So if you want to leave then leave, but me? I'm going back in, with or without you."
Safaya turned on her heels, walking away with the pattern of her heartbeat ringing in her ears. She tried her best to relax, to calm herself and think of a plan for when the play was over. But no matter how hard she tried to find peace, Nate would always be the one to ruin it.
"You want to talk about pretending like things are fine?" He called out to her. "I saw the test in the trashcan this morning, Safaya. Are we not going to talk about that?"
My sister halted, swallowing thickly as she gained composure. "Then you saw it was negative. There is nothing to talk about." Safaya said dryly, turning to face her demon yet again. "It's not like I exactly hid the test either."
"It was a really close call for us." Nate said softly, trying to get my sister to melt into his affection once again. He stood in front of her, gently grazing her forearm with his fingertips. "I don't want what happened the last time to happen again."
Safaya rolled her eyes. "And you think I do? It's kind of hard to avoid things like this when we don't use protection, just be glad it's negative and be careful. We're not exactly parent material." She said flatly. "I'm not talking about this anymore. Are you coming with me or not?" She offered her hand, trying to change the subject and hoping he would say no.
"I'm not going back in there." Nate shook his head violently. "I'll see you at home."
Safaya nodded slowly, letting a deep breath out. "I'll see you at home."
