𝗣𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗚𝗔𝗠𝗘 ☾ 𝗘𝗨𝗣𝗛𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗔

Play This When I'm Gone

There's something soul crushing about seeing someone on the brink of death. 

It's like every nerve ending in your body is in a constant state of buzz, your mind is blank, feelings you would expect to be there are missing. The breaths you took unknowingly held so much pain and frustration that you couldn't articulate. Being depressed and anxious only made these feelings worse. Basically, you were a zombie until you heard any sort of news. 

My Mom and Gia were a wreck as we waited in the hospital lobby. Tears and snot were everywhere. There were moments that my Mom was so quiet I thought she had passed out from worry. I could only imagine what she was feeling after I told her what happened. 

I didn't know what to do when she asked the question. I had tried avoiding it as much as possible but she would find out the truth sooner or later. I figured it would be better if she heard it from me. 

"What the hell happened, Rue?" My Mom asked for the third time when she first arrived. I knew she hated repeating herself. I couldn't keep looking at her and lying. Not after the night we all had. 

I tucked my hair from behind my ear. I was still in the ridiculous outfit that Jules had picked out for me... Jules. Fucking hell did she really need to leave now? When I needed her most? I imagine that if I would have ran away with her, then my sister would have died. There was still a high chance that she could. 

"I-I came home and she was unconscious. Laying on her stomach a-and her face was in the carpet. Please don't be mad at me..." I brought my hands to my ears, trying to drown out any outside noise but it was all in my head. This night was too much and the fact we were all standing in a hospital was killing me. "Please don't be mad at me, Mom."

She brought her hands to mine, gently prying them away from my ears. "Why would I be mad at you, Rue?" She asked softly. 

"B-Because ..." I sighed deeply. I didn't want to tell. I wanted Safaya to do this for months on her own and now I had to expose her. It made me feel sick. "Saf overdosed." My Mom's hands left mine, the cold coming back instantly. She backed away, taking a seat in a nearby chair. Her face went pale and her leg began to bob up and down. "I-I don't know on what but she --"

"How long?" She looked around, making sure Gia had headphones in before she continued to speak. "How long was Safaya doing drugs in my house?" 

Saf ... I'm so sorry. But I can't protect you anymore. 

I wiped my eyes. "Since Dad died. I was just the one who got caught first."

"And you..." My Mom shut her eyes tightly. "And you've been covering for her after all this time? She should have been in rehab with you!" She looked so angry and heartbroken. I didn't know what to say because I knew she was right. 

I should have said something even if it would have been out of spite. I could have stopped this. I could have helped. "She wouldn't have survived there. Even if I was there, she would have felt alone."

"You know what, it's not your fault. It's mine. What type of mother doesn't know what's going on in her house." She placed her hands on her knees and closed her eyes. I saw her lips move but no words came out, she began praying. I didn't have the greatest relationship with God but just like the time I took Fentanyl and was afraid of death, I joined her in prayer. My sister was worth it. 

I kept quiet after that. It was a few hours of waiting in the hospital lobby when the doctors finally told us Safaya was stable. They had to pump her stomach and run all of these tests on her. She was severely dehydrated so they had to get fluids in her system for the past few hours. There was more that the doctor wanted to discuss with my Mom, so she pulled her off to the side. When I saw her head go into her hands my chest clenched. Safaya was going to be alright so I couldn't understand what else was there to discuss. 

"Rue." 

My Mom called, pulling me from my thoughts. I walked over to the corner where she and the doctor were perched. The lady seemed nice, non-judgmental, sometimes with being in big hospitals you get the professionals who really don't give a fuck. Trust me, I understand the art of not giving a shit, but, you would think when it comes to saving lives that some people would be a little nicer. 

"Rue, we found some cuts on your sisters back when we removed her clothing. Looked like they were from glass? They appear to have been healing for a few days or so, but, we also found fresh bruises on her wrist and arm." Dr. Pino spoke. Her eyes soft as she continued. "Does Safaya have a history of self harm? Or do you know where these bruises and cuts came from?" 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Of course I knew where they came from. I know exactly who did it and no matter how much I wanted to bury him in the ground, I don't know if Saf would want this. The trauma coming at me from every angle of my life was still very much fresh and I couldn't think properly. Dr. Pino and my mom were waiting for me to answer. I let Safaya down so many times and I couldn't do it again. I opened my mouth to speak but my Mother beat me to it. 

"Dr. Pino, do you think this had anything to do with her being pregnant?" My mother asked softly, throat raw from crying. 

I blinked harshly. "I'm sorry ... what?" I turned to my mom. "What?" I turned to the Doctor who had sorrow in her eyes. 

"Rue, Saf was pregnant." My mom held her head down, playing with her hands. "And they don't know if it was stress, or the overdose, or a mixture of both but she lost the baby. She was only three weeks."

As much as I wanted to bury Nate Jacobs for what he had done, we all had bigger problems now. And my main focus ... the only focus I had, was if my sister would be able to survive the news.