𝗣𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗚𝗔𝗠𝗘 ☾ 𝗘𝗨𝗣𝗛𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗔

Strangers

————————

Safaya Bennett came into the world approximately ten minutes and fourteen seconds after I was born. It was three days after 9/11 when our newborn cries filled up the room. Our mother and father spent two days in the hospital, holding us under the soft glow of the television, watching the towers fall over and over again, until the feelings of grief gave way to numbness.

And then, without warning, a middle class childhood in an American suburb.

Now, I guess by me emerging from the womb and being the first daughter I was passed down the gifts of mental illness. I was only three years old when the doctors said I had obsessive compulsive disorder, attention deficit disorder, general anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder. I was a toddler having to take the same amount of pills as a senior citizen while my sister sat there with her blue stuffed teddy bear, holding onto it for dear life. She was *normal* as people would put it, she just had a tendency to be a little nervous at times and with that she would obsess over the latest thing or person that gave her comfort.

The truth is Safaya hated being alone.

It would take our parents an hour to calm her down before they could go to work, and even then, they could never focus because they were always worried about us. They didn't think anything of it because we were kids, but as Safaya got older she didn't want to go to school or have play dates, or essentially do anything that would cause her to be separated from our mom and dad. She associated separation with anxiety, panic attacks, and fear. When she was thirteen she was diagnosed with dependent personality disorder, that same little blue bear sitting beside her as she got the news.

I never understood how my sister didn't end up as fucked up as me, but in ways she was worse. Growing up we were best friends. I was the only one in school she felt understood her, even when other kids wanted to be friends, she never let me go from her side. It was always Rue and Saf. But when the waves of loneliness hit again and that fear set in, I wasn't of use anymore.

We were strangers living in the same home after she met Nate Jacobs. He had become her newest obsession and for years they never left the others side. Nate needed her as much as Safaya needed him. Even though we were estranged womb-mates there were some things we shared.

Every second of everyday we were trying to outrun our anxiety and quite frankly

We were just fucking exhausted.

————————

So here I am, seventeen, back home for the first time in months and still falling into the swing of things around here. I emerged from my bedroom with only one thing really on my mind. For years it was always there tempting and taunting me. I just let it because I know it feels good, even though it shouldn't. My mother, Leslie, was in the kitchen arguing with the insurance company about Saf's therapy sessions. My little sister, Gia, was sitting at the kitchen table engrossed in her phone as most teenagers are.

"Hey, Mom. You got any tampons?" I asked. Knowing good and well that my period wasn't for another week. My mom was always so busy that she would never really notice, so I rode this excuse train until the wheels fell off.

She held the phone away from her face. "In my bathroom under the sink." She gave me that proud smile. The one where she wants me to feel loved and appreciated so I don't search for drugs as a coping mechanism. I wished she understood none of this was her fault. Or Gia's. Or Safaya's. Or even Dad's. I was fucked up all on my own and that was the god given truth. Before I could escape to the medicine cabinet I was stopped in my tracks. "Hey, have you seen Saf this morning?" She whispered.

I knew where my sister was without even having to ask her. It's not like she would have answered my texts anyway. It's like since I returned home a few weeks ago, I'm invisible. The feelings of guilt rush in whenever she sees me, I'm not the most observant but it's always written on her face when we cross paths on our way to the bathroom.

"She got a ride with Nate."

Safaya is always with fucking Nate Jacobs

I left the conversation alone after that. Grabbing my own form of medicine from my mothers bathroom and walking down the street with Gia to catch the bus for school. First day back and my only support system is a fourteen year old who doesn't even attend the same school as me. I'm not sure why I thought being back home would change anything between Safaya and I, but I guess I made the mistake of having hope.

After what happened at McCay's party, I should have known that I had pretty much lost my sister to someone else. In truth, I didn't have much of an issue with Nate until Safaya met him. My irritations only solidified when all the bullshit with Jules happened. I mean, I never liked him, and once, during freshman formal he tried to finger me on the dance floor without my permission. But like ... that's America. When I told Saf she didn't say much. Just hung her head, apologized, and said she would talk to him about it. She was always sticking up for him even when she knew he was wrong.

It was the day of the party when I visited Fezco and Ashtray at their local corner store. My fix was sitting in the pocket of my red hoodie as I came out of the store, being met with the shiny Silver pick up truck I knew all too well. Christopher McCay was standing in the flatbed making sure the kegs he had purchased were secured. Nate dapped up Fezco, sliding him some money for the 'party favors' while my sister stood next to him cracking jokes. Saf had the brightest smile that could charm the pants off of anyone, guy or girl. She was a good person, or so she tried, but Nate had corrupted her and she was too attached to him to see it.

I made eye contact with her. Just kind of staring as I watched what was going down. She bit her lip when she saw me, throwing me a small wave to ease her conscious. Nate saw me but didn't speak, he never really spoke, so I figured that came from the talk he and Safaya had after Freshman formal. He placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her to the car when McCay opened the door for her.

"Bye, Fez." She smiled.

She could speak to our drug dealer but couldn't speak to her own sister.

Seems about right.

With their windows rolled down, they began to drive off. As Nate and I locked eyes once more he smiled weirdly. "Yo, I'd do it for Rue!" He took three fingers and kissed them, throwing his hand in the air like an extra from the Hunger Games franchise. I didn't speak, or flinch, just stared at my sister in the backseat laughing her ass off because in her eyes Nate was everything.

I wasn't a fan of who my sister chose to spend her time with. But, if they were throwing an end-of-summer party ... of course I'd fucking go.