The Boxes We Are Put In

Chapter 3

The silence was killing me. I had expected some raised voice and accusation. But the silence was worse. I watched as Achan got our tickets. It was an AC sleeper bus to Trivandrum.

Achan silently helped me get settled in my sleeper bed on the bus. I was on the upper berth, and he was on the lower one under me. It will take another 19 hours to reach home. I was sick and tired of buses. I cannot even read or look at my mobile as it gives me nausea.

I lay down and slept most of the way. The painkillers and antibiotics for my wound were making me drowsy anyway.

Amma was waiting for me eagerly at the gate. I could see she was worried, angry, hurt... I did not know what to say to her. She took my bandaged hand in her hand and looked at it. "It does not hurt much," I reassured her. She was silent for a while.

"I am sorry," I finally said.

She looked up at me. "What were you thinking?" She asked me.

"I know. I am sorry," I told her, a little too defensive.

"What if something had gone wrong and we had lost you," Amma said. Her voice shook.

I never should have done this to my mother. I was not thinking. But I could not tell her that it was impulsive. Doing something so dangerous by impulsion was worse. It indicated something worse. And I can't do that to my mother.

"Sorry," I said.

Achan walked past me. He mumbled as he passed "this is why I say the genders got switched in the womb." It came like a stab. I paused and stared at him. He looked at me. "What did you say?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he said and walked inside.

"Oh....poor girl How can this happen to the hand of such a lovely girl?" Malini aunty crooned. "This is going to scar badly, isn't it? Poor girl. Such a terrible, terrible thing to happen to such a lovely hand of a girl."

How many girls were that in one sentence?

We were at Nireesh Uncle's house. Nireesh uncle is dad's friend. More like they are our family friends. They live only a few lanes away from us.

"To be honest, You should not have done that." Malini aunty sat beside us at the table. "You should have thought of your parents, dear. What if something had happened to you! Also, what about your hand? What if it scars forever!"

I remained silent. But Siddarth spoke. "So you are saying, Amma, that she should have let someone else die?" Siddharth was standing at the doorway, in his t-shirt and Bermuda pants. Siddarth was 18. Nireesh uncle and Malini aunty's oldest kid. "Well..." Malini aunty was tongue-tied.

"Well, it is great that nothing happened." Mom said, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, Yeah...." Malini aunty agreed. "Oh, by the way, did you hear that Urvashi's daughter is getting married?"

"Oh, is she?"

"Yeah." She hushed down her voice, "To a Christan." She said as if that is the biggest scandal on earth. "Seems like her daughter had an affair with a guy in college." They still use the word 'affair' for relationships. Not even realising it is the wrong usage. I loath these kinds of gossip so I looked away.

Siddarth grinned at me and rolled his eyes. 'usual drama' he mouthed. I smiled. He indicated my hand and gave me a thumbs up and salute. I almost laughed. I realised that the kid had actually grown up. And he always looked cute as a kid, but now he was quite a great-looking young man. Though he still called me 'chechi'' meaning 'older sister' and was three years younger than me, I was not sure if I was allowed to have a crush on him. Not that I am someone who will follow social norms.

But then I guess, for Siddarth, I will still just be his 'chechi'.  (Chechi - elder sister/didi) That assumption fell away as a few seconds later, I bent to pick up the magazine from the cocktail table, and I saw his eyes falling into my chest. The top of my cleavage was a bit exposed. I felt self-conscious and pulled my top up. Siddharth shifted his gaze away. Yet I had lost my momentarily crush on the boy.

Malini aunty looked between Siddarth and me and yelled back at her son, "Why are you here? Go study. Wasting all the time." Siddharth frowned at his mother and walked away.

When he was gone, and I looked at Malini aunty, she was giving me this distressed angry stare as if this was entirely my fault. Like I tried to seduce her son or something. I don't understand... Her son was the one at fault here. He looked at my boobs. I did not intentionally flash them to him. But I guess she can never go and scold her son for that.

This exchange between Malini aunty and me had gone unnoticed by my parents and Nireesh uncle.

"When are you guys planning to marry Arya off?" All of a sudden, Malini aunty asked my parents. They looked at her.

"She is still in college." My mom reminded her.

"Yeah, but she is in the final year no..." She asked. "And I remember you mentioning that you want to send her off as soon as possible. Isn't it time that you start looking at proposals? It will take some time to get a good one. Then you will be able to send her off as soon as she finishes college."

I am aware of the fact that my parents want to marry me off as soon as possible. But why the hell does Malini aunty suddenly have such a massive interest in it?

"Do you want me to help you look at proposals?" Malini aunty was going on. "There is this boy who is this son of a friend of a cousin of mine. There will be like five year age gap, but he is like such a nice boy. I have met him and all. They live in Ernakulam."

Wait what???

When did it escalate into this? The topic of my marriage had always been a distant threat to me. It was never immediate like this. I suddenly realise that this is actually a reality, and it is not so much in the distant future. My marriage talks were already being talked with this seriousness.

"Well, she needs to find work as well." My father says... "But we can look into it."

"Yeah, yeah. You can fix the marriage first, and she can even work after the marriage, right? I am sure the guy will allow her to work." Malini aunty said. "I will talk with them and send you their details."

I wanted to escape and walk away. I did not want to sit through this torture where my future is being discussed with no consideration for the fact that it should be me who decides my fate. Instead, these people act as if it is just a natural process that I have no say in my life. It should be that way...

When Malini aunty casually tells my mom to start teaching me some cooking, I have had it. I feel so suffocated. Like literally, I may have a panic attack.

On the way home, I am silent in the car. Achan is also quiet. Amma is also silent. And the silence is kind of digging into my skin. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell them I don't want to get married to some random guy. I wanted to churn my internal organs out and throw them out to the world.

A tear welled up in my eyes. I dried it with my fingers. My mobile beeped. It was a Messenger message. It was from Siddarth. He has written, 'Hi, Arya...'.