The Boxes We Are Put In

Chapter 33

I was looking at ink blots on paper. "It seems to be two a bat or some sort of flying insect," I told the Psychiatrist. He was writing it down. I was at the mental health centre with Nikhil. Nik was just outside the door as I took the Inkblot test or Rorschach Test, the Psychiatrist had said.

I kept answering what I saw in the inkblots. The conclusion was that I have a mood disorder. After that, they asked me general questions.

Do I always feel low? – No.

What do I feel when I cut? – I want an outlet/to want to feel something/want control

Do I feel excessively happy sometimes? – not excessively, but happy, yes.

Do I feel excessively happy when I drink or smoke up? – mostly. Mostly happy.

Am I impulsive? – Yes.

Am I like this after Arjun's death? – I am not sure. Yes, maybe.... Even before Arjun, there were times when I get sad, angry or impulsive. But After Arjun, the depression hit.

So am I convinced I have depression? – Yes.

Next week the doctor called me and Nikhil in. "I want your husband to be present when I tell you the result. Is that okay with you?" He asked.

I did not know... If possible I wanted to keep Nikhil away from everything. And Nikhil already looked so nervous. He was too young to handle this alone. Amma and Papa had offered to come with us. But that was too much.

"Can I hear this alone?" I asked the doctor.

Nikhil turned to look at me. "I can..."

"I can tell you alone now if you want," The doctor said, "but I need to talk to your husband after anyway." I am still not even used to hearing the word 'husband' used in our context.

"Okay."

"It's Bipolar Disorder," The doctor said.

"Huh?" I asked. "No. It's just depression." I know of Bipolar Disorder as a person having a manic phase of excessive happiness and then a depression phase of sadness in repetitive cycles.

"Don't panic. It's a very common condition." The doctor said. "And you are sometimes happy."

"Yeah, but I am not excessively happy...."

"It's always a spectrum, Arya.... Some people are not excessively happy. Some people's depression phase is more elevated than the manic phase. And you are impulsive. And you do get elevated when you are intoxicated."

Suddenly the world went cold again....

The word felt so unfamiliar. I have never even heard about it. "Eh..." I said, "What exactly is...." I asked the doctor. The doctor began to explain to me about Bipolar Disorder. About people having a happy phase and a sad phase in cycles because of a mood disorder. And Arya's self-harm is a part of the depression phase.

She needed mood-stabilizing medicines. She needed to undergo Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for her self-harming behaviours. CBT was a method to fix the way of her thinking by forcing herself to think more rationally than emotionally. They were proud that she managed to keep herself away from weed for more than a month. But then her addiction period was also less than two months.

The doctor said the medicines may have some side effects like excess sleep or hunger in the beginning. I asked about the honeymoon. Papa and our relatives had booked us two weeks trip to Thailand. The money will go to waste if we do not go. The doctor said that would not affect and we can still go. I just have to make sure she eats her meds. He told Arya to use the opportunity to try to relax. And that she has nothing to worry about, that she will be alright.

I felt tensed but relieved, this was a start.

I read up on everything about Bipolar Disorder afterwards. It was incurable but manageable and the person with the condition Bipolar can live as normal as anyone with proper medicines and therapy.

I read up on everything about Bipolar Disorder afterwards. It was incurable. 




(Author's Note: So if you are suffering from any mental condition, kindly stay strong and seek others' help. I am not writing this from an outsider's point of view. As someone who has gone through the worst mental phases in life, I know that things do get better if you seek help. So for all of you out there suffering, I am with you...we all are. Let's stay strong together)