The Boxes We Are Put In

Chapter 25

The second floor had a common bathroom. Nikhil was still downstairs with his mother. So I walked into the bathroom. Unlike last time I had not forgotten to bring my stuff. I had my purse with me, and my mobile phone; because I was ready to leave for lunch with Nikhil already by the time the events unfolded. I opened my purse and took out the single unopened razor blade. I carry it with me now.

I held my hand over the washbasin and made a single deep incision on my wrist. It was still noon. It bleeds more if you cut yourself in the middle of the day. I knew that by now. The blood rushed up through the cut I made and began dripping down to the white wash basin.

I needed to see the blood that day. No tiny cut will do. I wanted more and more blood. So I cut deeper in the same cut again. More blood dripped down. I watched it. Feeling satisfied. The mental suffocation, slowly disappearing.

After a minute, the blood flow stopped. The wound clotted over.

So I sat down on the bathroom floor. I felt tired. Not from blood loss, just generally from my life. I should feel guilty to have done this at Nikhil's house. But it does not matter. I felt guilty about a lot of things anyway. This just adds to the long list.

I did not know how much time I sat there. But then I noticed that my mobile phone was buzzing. It was Darshan.

I had texted him that morning asking him if he was okay. But had not got any replay. I was relieved to see his call. I took it.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey, I saw your text just now... I woke up late..."

"That's okay," I said. "Did you eat something?"

"Not really. You sound a bit off. You okay?" His voice was lined with mild concern. I don't know why... at that moment, I felt like Darshan was the perfect person who may get me. Like whatever madness this was... that I had been doing to my own body, I felt like he is the only person in this world who would not judge me.

"Did you really not eat anything for the last two days?" I asked him.

"Um...." He sounded as if he does not want to tell me.

"Is it a secret?"

"Maybe," he chuckled.

"I will tell you my secret if you tell me yours," I said. I just wanted to tell him my secret. Because the secret was also suffocating now.

"Okay." He said. "I did eat Maggi both days."

"Maggi is not food," I said.

"Yeah," he said. There was a moment of silence. "So what is this big ass secret of yours?" he asked. "Let me hear it; and if it turns out to be something silly, I am going to kick your ass for making me tell mine."

I took a moment because this was big for me. "Hm... sometimes I hurt myself. Like on purpose." There, I said it. Darshan went silent as if he was trying to process that. But I trusted him. Trusted that he would not freak out.

"What do you do?" He finally asked. That is what he asked.

"Cut myself mostly. Sometimes burn." I said.

Darshan stayed silent for a second more.

"You know there are better ways to inflict harm to your body." He finally said, "more enjoyable ways."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Okay, it's my turn to confess a secret." He said, "Wait, you will keep this as secret right?"