Abscond || Taegyu

I believe in you even if I'm anxious

"I hated you."

Hated. It was in the form of a past tense, yet the heaviness of the word never changed. Hate is such a big strong word, and for Taehyun to confirm that he really felt that towards Beomgyu broke the older's heart a bit.

He wasn't supposed to feel hurt. Many people didn't like him or even hated him to their core. How people perceived him never really bothered him much, yet for some reason, it suddenly matters when it came from Taehyun's mouth. Why does it bother him? It's not like it was the first time Taehyun had said it.

He visibly winced from the hurting words as his eyes averted from the younger. He was lucky enough Taehyun didn't notice since he kept his line of sight on trail to the waddling ducks in front of them.

He remained silent, his gaze facing downwards like the grass was far more interesting that Taehyun's story. Yet his ears kept themselves open from the next words he was about to hear.

"I really hated you back then. You are what they don't want me to be. You're the type of person they felt relief that I didn't turned into. You're just so... rash. And wild... and too spontaneous and unpredictable for their liking. You do things that we aren't supposed to do and you never listen to what other people tell you. And I hated you for all the words they described you."

A short pause with silence that slowly feels a bit heavier. Beomgyu kept his mouth shut while Taehyun composed himself to continue.

"But then... I met the real you. And now I think you're not too rash. You secretly calculate and plan things ahead to escape from your unruly deeds. You're not wild, you're just unsupervised. And your spontaneousness and unpredictability isn't that bad. It was quite your charm. And then, all the things they said... Suddenly they weren't true. Then you became more than what they call you and a part of me still hates that.

When I started to realize you were much better than what others perceived you as a person, I stopped denying what I really felt towards you. I..."

Another stop. Rather than an intentional pause to collect himself, it sounded more like he choked on his own train of thoughts. Taehyun's mouth gaped like a fish that begs for water as he tries to push aside all his pride and just confess.

"I... I was jealous... All along I was jealous. Because you are what I'm not. You know how to have fun and live the most of your life. You have a dream you could fight for. You enjoy even the little things and it wasn't hard to make you happy. You were just so, so... free. And I couldn't be free. I couldn't be like you. They said I shouldn't be like you."

Completely stunned from the younger's words, Beomgyu's mind seems to run slower than usual as he tries to digest Taehyun's revelation of thoughts. Taehyun? The loved Taehyun was jealous? At some part of his mind, it still didn't made sense.

But then his consciousness travels from the very far part of his brain. The rooftop.

Is this what Taehyun had been wanting to say on the rooftop?

"I know, I sound like I'm just complaining. Because 'Kang Taehyun isn't supposed to feel this way, he is loved, respected, and acknowledged, so why is he jealous?' But I remember hyung. I remember when you told me it's valid. For whatever reason I have, my feelings were valid so I... I want to tell you. And I want to let you know that I didn't really hated you, hyung. Instead, I projected the hate onto you. I was supposed to hate myself, I shouldn't have dragged you in my own misery. So I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I was just really really jealous. And I still am."

A hint of crack in the younger's voice, Beomgyu finally faced Taehyun who was now facing the ground. His hands clenched tightly to his bag while his eyes glistened in his own tears. If it wasn't silent enough, Beomgyu would have missed on how Taehyun breathes heavily.